Monday, June 30, 2008

Letter

I'm writing...

I woke up with my mouth full of acid. Cloudless sky was getting tinted yellow and pink.

Dew was glistening in semidarkness.

I walked up to the water, one foot in front of the other, rummaging in my mind through last night's dreams, sticky and thick mush of lies, quicksand of overblown emotions.

I'm worried. “ – I said to honeysuckle shrub, scooped up water with my cupped palms and, instead of washing my face, I stared into my reflection in spring crater for a long time.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Letter

I'm writing…

It was midnight when the rabbit fell out of the sky. With a thump, softly; causing a small cloud of dust to rise. There was a disappointed yelp of she-wolf from above.

I picked up still warm, limp body by its hindlegs. Blood was trickling from the ears of the head smashed over a stone ledge. It is high. Too high.

I skinned and disemboweled my unexpected gift. Churned the fire. I felt so proud of hauling over a bucket of water before sundown. Before soon, rabbit and roots stew was bubbling happily in the cauldron. I was lying flat on my back, watching the sparks mix with stars, overjoyed with the thought of a copious breakfast.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Letter

I'm writing…

I'm dreaming rich. All-encompassing. I smell and taste. Touch. I see and hear. I dive in and resurface.

By day, I offer my bare back to the Sun. She licks me yearningly, fierce. Salty droplets creep down the hairline. Fists are tingling. Shovel is gleaming.

I sing 'till I remain voiceless. In bitter silence, gorge walls reverberate my song.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Suck it up son of mine, thunder blowing up your horizon.*

What I dislike the most about this situation is not being able to express my emotions – not having a place to cry, to scream, to grunt.

Daily self-motivation is eating me alive

*Puscifer – Momma Sed



Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Letter

I'm writing:

Dear, nights are so cold.

I dream, covered over my head, in the mist of breath, how, with my eyes closed, under the blanket I search for the soft fleece of your crotch. You greet me, hot and salty, with crown of your scent.

I wake up in sweat, firm and confused. I search for you in darkness within too long minutes, unwilling to admit I know where I am.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing.*

For the longest time now, amidst the social conventions, I feel like a proverbial Martian. I don't really feel the need to affirm my every action through other people. Don't get me wrong - I'm not stating that I'm infallible - but I try to play with the cards I already have, not the ones I could have if circumstances or whatever was different. And I cannot come to terms with aforementioned non-affirmation being socially penalized just for the heck of it.

I'm painfully aware that it is the misery-loves-company rule in action, but still it seems to me that something could and should be done to rectify this course of action.

*William Butler Yeats

Friday, June 6, 2008

Disintegration

Today is a good day.

Workday has been good. All my work is done and still I managed to read through some interesting stuff that may come in handy later.

Come Tuesday I'm filing for divorce. Not at all pleasant, but improvement on current situation.

People tell me that it is not normal to be so calm about it. That I must be guilty of something to be this composed. Sure, I am guilty of something.

I'm guilty of staying in this relation for too long, allowing all emotion to decompose and disintegrate.