Can't Do Without You

Last few weeks I have been ruminating on this here blog about men’s  stories, especially relationship narratives (not necessarily romantic in nature) and about self-perceived shortcomings that can be remodeled at will. Many posts are connected to song lyrics and all of them are things I think about when awake, and feel even when asleep. If you’re into this kind of tales go and see other posts with tag “On Relationships”.

And now, let’s continue.

There is, like, six more songs I wanted to write about now, here in this relationship narrative series, but I am in distress now and when I am in distress I wait for perfect solution to present itself.

And it always does.

I do not listen to Caribou much. I have also seen Caribou live in Zagreb (2010, &TD).  I went to the show with my then boyfriend and after the dissolution of the relationship I stopped listening to Caribou and also have stopped calling that person boyfriend including syntactic constructions like ex-boyfriend, last boyfriend or partner. At one time I read Žižek’s comment on relationship dissolutions and there he said:

'You don't simply dissolve marriage; divorce means that you retroactively establish that the love was not the true love.' When love goes away, you retroactively establish that it wasn't even true love." Is that what he did? "Yes! I erase it totally. I don't only believe that I'm no longer in love. I believe I never was."

… and I loved it. I mean; I know it is untrue and it is just a nifty trick we humans use to distance ourselves from the pain of our mistakes but it sounded so vibrant it was endearing.

But that does not do it for me.

I want to have my cake and eat it too and I do not mind paying for the cake to be able to do that. I want not only to admit and fully enjoy love, but also want to fully admit and enjoy the subsequent pain - and this is just a perfect song to illustrate that.

(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)
(Can't do without)

“Then boyfriend” is my favorite construction at this time since it admits to the fact of relationship existing at one point in time while at the same time ascertaining degree of separation that is impossible to miss. There was one great post on Killing Time blog back in June 2014 and I commented that:

“It is astounding how many people truly do not understand that after the relationship is over they do not exist in a particular form they inhabited while in the relationship. All this make-believe with “let’s stay friends” is just an attempt to eat shit while using a silver spoon:”

(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
(I can't do without you)
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you


Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without

I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you
I can't do without you

Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without
Can't do without

Can’t (as in “Can’t do without”) is an absolute, a quicksand that slowly devours you while and because you are struggling. Like Master Oogway told Shifu:

"Your mind is like this water my friend, when it is agitated it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear."

So at the end of the song can’t turns into couldn’t. Couldn’t is no absolute. Couldn’t is a place of measurement, of weighing reality against the empty dream, and - maybe - deciding that reality is more valuble to you then fleeting escape from the pain.

I can't do without you
And you're the only thing I think about
(I can't do without you)
It's all that I can still do
(I can't do without you)
And you know you're the one I dream about
(I can't do without you)
I couldn't do without you

You can never go home, never return. You can only try new ways and new roads and try to catch up to the person you care about and walk with them down previously unused pathways.
And there’s only one way to start the journey.

Mistletoe

One of my friends is just going through nauseating breakup.


Dating while being over 30 is awkward business, having kid and dating is ordeal without real comparison - and that is only when things go well. If they're not going well...


She told me what is happening; not the whole deal - just bits and pieces, as us shy ones usually do - and my blood boiled from fury. I sat there, listening, just breathing, while sounds of blood gusts from my heart rang in my ears like traffic-jam noise, while she put out self-doubt after self-doubt, justification for him after justification for him.


And then I started replying - at first slowly and trying my best to use Socratic method and not to yell, but it did not really go well as I was ingulfed in desire to go out and break his knee-caps. She was startled but at the same time freed of constant societal pressure to act as a lowly female and it felt as my anger and my assuredness was healing some desperate wound in her, filling up a void of uncertainty and doubt. Later on we met some people, we laughed loud and were jovial and relaxed and I felt our hearts reach out and hug. Like they would if we were war veterans - roles that would be more easily socially accepted having post-traumatic stress syndrome then our current ones - being single parents dating. And I went home and kept quiet.


Later on, I started talking about this, verbalising stuff I've just let sit a day or two, and monstruos words came out. Words celebrating disconnectedness and fear. I was appalled by myself and just sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks.


So I went out yesterday morning, to walk and to socialize without speaking, went to Samobor and as we went by Vugrinščak pools there were those high trees from the photo above covered in mistletoe shrubs.


Mistletoe: "to be kissed under it" plant.


And it is holliday season.


Against better judgement we will all succumb to hope.

Hellebore

Few days ago I met my friend for coffee after work and we had coffee and talked and laughed. And it felt right, and familiar and homely and in the same time it felt like we're doing this for the first time. We're really adults now - with careers and divorces and parenting and cancers. I see and listen to unhappy, empty people, full of grief and bitteness that they grew older almost every day and I cannot relate to that. I cannot relate to life so detached from the moment it is happening in. I love us being adults. I loved us being adolescents. I loved us being children. It all has meaning and weight and beauty, not just as the way of us getting here to present time but as a road and building blocks and feelings and skills. She told me that she's happy to see me again... to see ME again since she has not seen me for awhile as the disruption of my life by lousy marriage turned me into something unrecognizable. And now I'm back, she says.

Divorce papers are here!

I got my divorce and child custody papers in the mail on friday. Sadness mixed with ecstatic joy that this formal part is finally over. I honestly never thought that the person I married will be so adamant not to agree about anything (both before and after the split). I still remember how we met, how we (seemed to) got to know each other, how small synchronicities propelled us into passionate love and children/marriage plans. I used to be so pleased with finding such fitting partner and afterward so torn with anguish I had let myself be duped by clever sweet-talker. But I'm not sorry I gave it a go and I'm not sorry for investing myself in this relationship even if it didn't work out as I expected it to. And also I am not sorry this marriage is over because nothing in it worked.

Divorce Day

And here I am now, sipping coffee behind Family Court in Zagreb, seemingly placid on the outside, waiting for court session to start. It has been two long years now, filled with anguish and resentment, learning and search for understanding. Sometimes people say that after such a excrutiating experience that they feel a different person alltogether. Sometimes they're smarter, or calmer, or beter tacticians. I can say that this is all true and also not true. Perspective has changed and time has passed but nothing has changed substantially - I believed in my words and actions then, and also believe in them now, I don't feel I have misslead anybody and I don't harbor any resentment for trust spent in this relationship. Formal part of this relationship may be over today but personal part - love, trust, togetherness - that was all gone long before formalities were questioned.

Forgotten Feeling

This week I have (suprisingly!) crawled out from under somebody's paw. It seems that I am not afraid anymore. It has been so long, keeping my head down, skulking as a common thief, I almost feel lost without it.

Beast of burden

There are only so many things I can imagine myself saying to the person I loved at some point and most of them consist of: "good bye, good luck, take care, I wish things turned out less stressful" and such. When unreasonably and deviously provoked I tend to resolve things peacefuly to a point and then I just fall through and stupidly insult. And instantly I feel bad about that and am angry with myself because that just isn't what I think. As a matter of fact I realize the ruse in provocation directed at proving (unflattering and hurtful) expectations. I understand how that would be consistency-strenghtening strategy and how this is beneficial to persons' psychological well-being but nevetheless I do not understand how can this be preferable to admiting that relationships change and allthough changes aren't always pleasant we could aspire to be. There will be better fits for all of us and hate and disrespect only produce more of hate and disrespect. The only person that will most definitely be with us forever is our own self. Any and all others are optional. So why to burden one's self with hate?

January

I'm watching Mad Men (show that I do not usually watch) right now and there are husband and wife arguing and shoving each other right now. They are both overworked and frustrated, the screen oozes contempt and impotent, empty rage. I know that quiet feeling of despair. I know it, because that was me not long time ago. Desperate. Despondent. Given up. People sometimes say: "It spiraled out of control." Well, that was not it. It did spiral, but not out of control. It spiraled, like NIN album title says "downward spiral". It flowed, steadily and pertinently from caring and comunicating towards silence and scorn, sadly, not opening new questions and discovering doubts but unearthing rifts that were already there... that were always there.

Suck it up son of mine, thunder blowing up your horizon.*

What I dislike the most about this situation is not being able to express my emotions – not having a place to cry, to scream, to grunt.

Daily self-motivation is eating me alive

*Puscifer – Momma Sed

Disintegration

Today is a good day.

Workday has been good. All my work is done and still I managed to read through some interesting stuff that may come in handy later.

Come Tuesday I'm filing for divorce. Not at all pleasant, but improvement on current situation.

People tell me that it is not normal to be so calm about it. That I must be guilty of something to be this composed. Sure, I am guilty of something.

I'm guilty of staying in this relation for too long, allowing all emotion to decompose and disintegrate.