Ikaku

Busy day today. I made great chocolate muffins and hand-warmer (a bit seen in the photo above) and hat set. However I was displeased and restless. I am a terrible person inside when I'm trying to contain my anger. But I'm still deliberating on appropriate course of action so there is not much I can do to 'release steam'.

Will your grace command me any service to the world's end?

Second Life Syndrome

Nothing helps.
Every one lost leaving a dent
That no replacement could ever fill;
No ersatz touch, or feel, or scent,
No self-delusion or strength of will.

Nothing helps.
Every one lost leaving a brand,
Leaving a skid mark on one's soul
Where something sacred used to stand
'till one is forced to let it go.

To Drown In Torpor

Up until few days ago I had a friend whom I liked very much. We have known each other for well over a year. He seemed to understand where I'm coming from. He seemed to care. It seemed that we get along really well, that we support and understand each other, that the world is much friendlier place when people exist who will let you lean on them for support and let you support them when and if they will need that.

I thought we get along so well because we're being entirely honest to each other.

It turned out that this was not the case.

I feel as stupid as a cabbage.

It was going so well because I was lied to the entire time.

What kind of person reckons: I will just let this whole situation tide over and than she will be so relieved and thankful that I stayed with her that she will reward my effort with being with me (regardless of our personal differences that we talked about and agreed that this would never ever work)?

Or is it just me? …. Me being too dense to acknowledge that being good to somebody actually implies that you have a hidden agenda.

I’m really not ready to believe such a thing.