Stressed days

I work in clinical trials field for just a month less than seven years now. It is a high stress job but also very challenging and educational, so I am pleased with it because it feeds into my highest values.

And yet sometimes, like this week, stress is quite overwhelming and if I weren’t focusing all my mental efforts into dealing with work-related issues I would try to multitask and would end up spreading myself too thin.

I do not wait to crack, I inform close ones in advance that I’ll be less readily available and it works well, cutting on misunderstandings and additionally getting a heaping portion of social support.

I like this modus operandi, one that is product of years of trial and error.

In the evening I cook dinner and listen to offspringess drone on about school issues and Minecraft and youtube tutorials and I have myself some high-fiber date sweetened oatmeal carob cookies and I roll myself in blanket and kittens come and sleep on top of me while I read a book.

Life feels sweet and well-portioned and I thoroughly enjoy it, even with the stress and all.

What I Learned While I Was Down With Pneumonia

I just had pneumonia for a month and there is something I wish to write down here on the blog because I feel I have learned something.

You see, I tried online dating few months ago.

I have been single for quite some time now, and indeed even though I was married for a few years and had some relationships I actually feel I have been single through that time too. I do feel connected with some of my exes and there were instances in which I felt as a part of a bigger whole (with no nostalgia or bitter taste in this fact) so this is not issue of being unable to connect. It just so happens, it seems, that I chose to spend time with people with lax sense of commitment.

And then someone twitted something interesting about an online dating community available in my area.

Since I’m always ready for a bit of experimenting and prefer truth even when she is not pleasant to stomach I went off and made myself a profile. It was a nice profile. Thought through. Open, socially pleasant and also direct. At the same time objective, clear cut and cold. Just like me - disciplined enough not to openly contradict the social norm but inevitably emotionally distanced. Profile (in other words - me) became quite popular quickly and even though there was a lot of hay to go through some needles were found. So I exchanged some opinions, enjoyed some conversations and had a date or five. In the end it did not work out but I had a good time and I think I managed to communicate that it was a pleasant experience even though we did not click on a larger scale.

It has been 14 years since I was actually dating anyone and this was both old and completely new experience for me.

I disliked:

- meeting people. I hate meeting people. Being fiercely introverted and also quite protective of my privacy just makes me not want to put myself in that position if that is not absolutely necessary.

I liked:

- meeting people. Sense of distance the computer screen gives is just the perfect amount of distance to start a conversation. And after some conversation meeting in person is just a logical step.

- kissing. I missed kissing. Sense of closeness it gives even when you just start to get to know people.

- verbalization. How when I just meet people I can communicate likes and dislikes directly, for them to be acknowledged. Things sound differently in the confines of the mind then released into the wild of the social situation.

What brings me back to my pneumonia month. Bigger part of that month my daughter was with her father and grandparents, on their summer vacation, and I was alone.

There I was; broken, in bed, with fever reaching 40°C, alone in my apartment. No one to brew some tea for me or cook me chicken soup to nurse me to health. No one to keep me company or to check my forehead for signs of returning fever in the middle of the night. No one to share “or for worse” in between two “for betters”.

And I did not mind.

I had friends calling me to see how am I feeling, parents trying to smuggle in lunches so I would not need to cook, neighbors knocking on my door to check up on me and bring me small gifts of kindness.

I slept, took my medicine, ate simple meals and read books when I could. When I felt better I showered and tidied the place, I made my bed every day and I turned the electronics off to go to sleep at night. My organized person routine just rolled on, slower than usual, but undoubtedly present.

I did not crave for company and I did not feel bad to be left to my own devices. I was happy to hear from friends and parents and neighbors and I loved to see how considerate they are and how well they know me. In their kind efforts I saw their kindness but I also saw my value to them, and fruit of my labor in communicating all the things of value behind my distant and objective appearance.

It is not that I fail to connect. It takes two to connect.

I think I will make more room now for the possibility of meeting people.

Raising Children

I have recently integrated two kittens into our small household comprised of my almost 10 year old daughter, hamster and me.

We have been living - my daughter and I - in the apartment I bought for us to live in, since 15Jun2012, and hamster has joined us in September 2012. I have been divorced for going on seven years now and, after what I would like to think about as “brief interlude” of living with my parents, we moved here. I have been primary caretaker and responsibility axis for our family unit continuously during this time, but that fact completely crystallized for me only after we came to live here.

Even though I suspected that it is so during my years of living in Rijeka while attending college it only just became clear to me how much I enjoy being sovereign of my own household. Just like any sovereign’s rule, stemming from his/her birthright (in all practical sense making him/her product - or victim -  of circumstance), this is also rule produced by natural order of me being biological parent and financial provider but, as it happens, other members of my household are apt and pleasant and more than able to grow and learn and take responsibilities. So we will in time grow from kingdom into direct democracy :D

But I digress - let us return to the kittens.

When we took them in they were just over 4 weeks old, real babies. Before they arrived I got us books on caring for kittens and I got them shelter, foodstuffs, toilet, toys. We made sure they were weaned off milk before separating them from mom cat so they would be fully independent in that regard but we knew that they are still babies and that we’ll need to care for them. And by “we” I mean I, who took the task of caring for kittens and task of teaching my offspring to care for kittens. We trained kittens to use the toilet in a day [this is me proudly bragging] by being observant and firm in our directions (my MSc Psych certainly isn’t going to waste J), and they have been provided with food and drink. House is full of toys and play and we take great care not to put them in danger and to keep them safe and healthy and it is - for me - quite similar to having new batch of human babies. Just like 9 years ago with my offspring, I am now observing, getting to know, feeding and cleaning after two small new creatures. They cry and play and shit when they feel like it and I can only adjust, just like I had to adjust for my daughter. I can try to direct some “hows” and “wheres” but I cannot control any developmental processes. We can only get acquainted with the person in that tiny body and try to be his/her friend and someone they can rely on for nurture, protection and guidance.

And that got me contemplating children.

I used to think children will not be an option for me but nevertheless I thought it would be nice to have three of those :D

When I met my ex-husband and we decided to pursue monogamous committed relationship we agreed on having children and we made one, but soon it was obvious that he was not really into raising and providing for them. After a short while it also became obvious that we won’t be staying together and he had the audacity to offer procreation as a means of appeasing me (to what I could just laugh since him stopping drinking would have been a lot more successful offer). After a much longer while, after separation and divorce, I offered procreation to my then-boyfriend but he was not interested in having his own children (or maybe having them with me, you never can tell). Time went by and with the passage of time and keener sense of listening to myself I came to a conclusion that I certainly do not want to have more children any more.

What makes me sad sometimes, since I seem to be very good at raising them. And I also have the patience and experience to endure the exhausting boring part.

The Notwist @ Mocvara 11Apr2014

During one recent argument with my daughter I noticed one very curious thing.

We were enjoying a day of hiking and socializing with some dear friends and while we were walking downhill to our car, conversing and laughing, she asked if we are going to go with friends to their home and stay there for a few hours more. As we have already spent whole day together, climbed a mountain, ate lunch and descended and were pretty tired I said "No, we’re all going to go home and rest a bit and savor that lovely day." to what she got angry and frustrated and started to cry. Faced with that reaction I said that it makes no sense to growl and cry when she now has whole day of wonderful experiences to enjoy and remember (hiking and lunch with friends) as opposed to crying over something that will never even happen (going to friends’ place).

She is, of course, only learning her limits and the art of “knowing when to stop”, but… it seems that I am too.

I have this… hurt… that I’m nursing in my inside, never allowing it to heal.

There was this The Notwist concert at Mocvara two weeks ago (on 11Apr2014). I bought the ticket as soon as they were released and I was waiting eagerly for this concert because I really love their music. Also, I was really terrified. So terrified, in fact, that I have in the morning of the concert tweeted:

It says:"I'm listening to Notwist in preparation for tonight's gig and I can see that this will be one of those days when I get so fucked up I need a fortnight for comeback." 

I went to The Notwist gig at Teatar&TD 26Apr2008. It was one of the first gigs I went to after I decided to really stand behind my love of music and the wish to make music more than just background noise of life. It is the first gig that I “attended” at Last.fm network which will subsequently become the flywheel of my life. It was also the first gig I went to with my then boyfriend, when love was budding fresh and shiveringly passionate.

I still remember very vividly how was it to stand there, in that jam-packed hall, and French kiss while Consequence was ringing through the air, owning it.

Never
Leave me paralyzed, love
Leave me hypnotized, love

And now, I was supposed to go and listen to Notwist while that guy would not stand next to me but also somewhere in the audience in that hall. And for the rest of my life, somewhere in the audience in this world.

It sucks to be acutely aware of the meaning of never.

It also sucks knowing that “never” may not actually mean never and that this is only important for just as long as I actually care.

Caring sucks but sucks waaaaay less than that person I become when I stop caring.

The hurt inside that I spoke of in the beginning of this part is a hurt of my fear of becoming the person that does not care, again, and staying that person, indefinitely.

So I got my shit together and I went to see The Notwist, even through hurt and fear.

I met a friend for drinks before and she did not ask me anything and I did not tell her anything and she kept me company and lulled me to safety with talk of everyday things and business of music. We walked together toward Mocvara part of the way and we hugged when we parted. Few moments later I was in Mocvara and Jel was just getting ready to go on stage.

That was one funny act.

Jel played ok songs, not really my cup of rapping tea, but his comments in between songs were what I will remember him by. When another friend came by, a little later, I remember saying: “It is ok, until he speaks” through laughter when she gave me the inquiring look.

He spoke of Crank soundtrack, of Jason Statham, of being watched from above, of consumerism, of being among Germans for too long and that their “Romantisch” meaning “quick fuck” is so far far away from romantic he is used to as an American. Funniest part was him pointing out that “…knives are dangerous. Well, guns too, but knives are really dangerous. You can cut yourself with one.”

After a short pause and some mingling The Notwist stepped on stage.

What I love most in their live acts is that none of their songs sound like they sound on the albums. They add, they subtract, they play within playing. They piss on field dependence. They make fun of the pedestal we put them on. They fcukin’ enjoy playing.

I love that.

I love that.

All iconic songs that get singalong treatments from mindless, emotion-engulfed crowds, were broken. At one time or another they would add some radical change, new sound, critical difference that did not allow for the live act to become boring reproduction of material that was once recorded. It was all new, fresh, untarnished with time and repetition.

They were in good spirits from the beginning. I stood in the third row, stage in full view, at arm’s reach. Stage was simple but bulging with equipment. There was also a million lights.

Sound was excellent.

Močvara was full, but not uncomfortably hot or packed. Strangers around me were keeping their distance and were pleasantly involved with their own enjoyment.

I danced and I danced and I mouthed some lyrics soundlessly and my overcharged body was vibrating with emotional charge.

Thinking about the gig, imagining how it would be I was afraid of one song or the other but when we came to One With The Freaks I was already in tears

Have you ever?
Have you ever been all messed up?
Have You ever?

… and things suddenly fell into perspective.

It makes no sense to growl and cry when I have all this wonderful experiences to enjoy and remember (spending time with a person that I thought the love of my life at that time) as opposed to crying over something that will never even happen (family).

To begin enjoying all the wonderful experiences I just have to

LET GO.

They played Pilot, Gloomy planets, Pick up the phone, they played new songs of which I still don’t know song names by heart, they played everything and anything and we danced and we, all of us, the band and the audience, enjoyed visibly.

They finished and we called them back and they played some more.

I love how pleased musicians bow. Endeared and accomplished and thankful all in one. Like a person that has just fallen in love with someone.

And then they came out for second encore and they played Consequence. I was crying so hard I felt my lungs gasp for air and my nose was wet, sniffling. Consequence was like a foil sword (floret) that stabs precisely, without cutting. High functionality, no energy wasting.

The Notwist bowed again, their happiness palpable and real.

Mine too.

Basic Unit of Matter

I was not blogging for some time as one most curious thing happened.

It all felt just right. 

The kid, the job, the relationships, the crafts - just right. I just did not have anything to complain about and it felt too weird to say: "You know, my life is in a such a nice homeostatic state I feel embaraced to point it out."

But it seems that this state is still ongoing and now it seems silly not to say anything.

Because, it isn't as if everything was well. Like, in the workplace I still daily get two meltdowns before lunch and go around groaning:" OH my fcukin God, it must take these people all their mental capacity just to get dressed in the morning and not wear their pants on their head!" And relationships are similarly messed up but it felt so appropriate I just did not fret. There was some frogging and some wips that turned into other wips before becoming FOs and I felt somehow pleasantly grown-up. I did some running (my cooper is still 1.9!) and some days I just went to bed right after work, not doing the dishes and not feeling lazy to leave them there.

Awkwardly beautiful and unexplicably present.


What brings me to another point...

Make Your Own Om Nom

My daughter started playing “Cut the Rope” game a while back and she immediately fell in love with that cute Om Nom character. Of course she also wished for a “real one” and came to me with request to make her a knitted companion.

She said: “I KNOW you can do it.” so matter-of-factly and with a wide genuine smile that I could not refuse this request even if I weren’t enjoying the challenges she puts before me.

This toy is a small knitted plushie, filled with polyester fiber (pillow filling) and with details made from felt cloth, cotton thread and buttons. Mine is about 12cm in diameter, size of a larger apple. It is worked on a small set of dpns 2mm or smaller. Choose needle size to produce firm fabric with your chosen yarn. As it is often said to “take time to save time” try your hand/needles/yarn on a small swatch so that toy making doesn’t end in tears when you will be trying to fill too loose package.

So, to make one of your own prepare:

-          One skein of yarn (Om Nom is green in the game but it could be beautiful in any other color also. Depending on a yarn you chose you could have plenty left over as it only takes about 20 g to make one)

-          Set of 5 double pointed needless appropriate for your chosen yarn (mine were 2 mm for yarn Jelka - fingering 4ply, 200 m in 50 g)

-          2-3 handfuls of polyester pillow filling

-          2 small black shank buttons for pupils of the eyes

-          White and black felt cloth (I ran out of white so we used light blue)

          Darning needle

-          Small sewing needle

-          Cotton thread in felt cloth colors

 BODY

Shaping of the ball that makes the body is like shaping the top of top-down hat like beret/tam that has 8 “slices” at sides of which you do all of your increasing and decreasing.

Using method of disappearing loop cast on 9 stitches (as the method does not allow for even number of stitches).

Preparatory row: divide stitches to 4 needles (2+2+2+3), mark beginning of round if you want (yarn tail will be hanging out of disappearing loop so maybe you can orient by this alone). You will now be working in the round, always with right side work facing you. Try to pull the tail to make sure it can be tightened.

1^st row:  knit 2+knit 2+ knit2 and knit 3

2^nd row: kfb all but the last 2 stitches, just knit them (there should be 4 stitches on each of 4 dpns)

3^rd row: knit

4^th row: kfb all stitches (doubling the stitches, there should be 8 stitches on each needle which equals 2 “slices” of 4 stitches each - from this point onward if you think in terms of “slices” it will be easier for you to visualize where to increase and decrease)

5^th row: knit

6^th row: *kfb, knit 2, kfb* two times per needle (2 slices of 6 stitches each or 12 stitches total per needle)

7^th  row: knit

8^th row: knit

9^th row: *kfb, knit 4, kfb* two times per needle (2 slices of 8 stitches each or 16 stitches total per needle)

10^th row: knit

11^th row: knit

12^th row: widening for “chest” and “back” of the toy will make Om Nom more balanced when sewing on feet so counting from the beginning of the round on 1^st and 3^rd needle kfb seventh and ninth stitch (total 18 stitches), knit all stitches on 2^nd and 4^th needle (stays 16 stitches)

13^th row: knit

14^th row: counting from the beginning of the round on 1^st and 3^rd needle kfb seventh and eleventh stitch (total 20 stitches), knit all stitches on 2^nd and 4^th needle (stays 16 stitches)

17^th to 34^th row: knit

35^th row: counting from the beginning of the round on 1^st and 3^rd needle decrease ssk 7^th and 8^th stitch and k2tog stitch 12 and 13 (total 18 stitches), knit all stitches on 2^nd and 4^th needle (stays 16 stitches)

36^th row: knit

37^th row: knit

38^th row: counting from the beginning of the round on 1^st and 3^rd needle decrease ssk  7^th and 8^th stitch and k2tog stitch 10 and 11 (total 16 stitches), knit all stitches on 2^nd and 4^th needle (stays 16 stitches)

39^th row: knit

40^th row: knit

41^st row: decrease at the ends of “slices” so *ssk, knit 4, k2tog* 2 times per needle (slices of 6 stitches or total 12 per needle)

42th row: knit

43th row: *ssk, knit 2, k2tog* 2 times per needle (slices of 4 stitches or total of 8 per needle)

44^th row: knit - here is when you fill the body with pillow filling. Fill quite packed as you will work few more rows afterward to close out the body so there will be enough filling for whole body.

45^th row: *ssk, k2tog* 2 times per needle (total 4 stitches per needle)

46^th row: *ssk, k2tog* once per needle (as there are no more stitches left and with this decrease it leaves 2 stitches on each of four needles)

47^th row: k2tog each needle stitches, collecting them to one needle only (4 stitches total)

48^th to 52^nd row: knit 5 rows of i-cord with remaining 4 stitches

53^rd row: kfb all stitches, dividing them to 4 needles (2 stitches on each needle)

54^th row: knit

55^th row: kfb all stitches (4 stitches on each needle)

56^th to 60^th row: knit

61^st row: *ssk, k2tog* all around (2 stitches on each needle)

62^nd row: knit

Fill the small tentacle on Om Nom’s head and cut approx. 20 cm tail of yarn. Darn needle with the end of yarn and pull it through all remaining stitches, closing it like the disappearing ring in the beginning (cast on). Weave the end firmly and invisibly into the tentacle.

LEGS (make 4)

Cast on 8 stitches using Judy’s Magic Cast On - 4 stitches on each needle, like you are casting on for a sock.

Knit one row.

In second row increase kfb on beginning and end of each needle (6 stitches per needle, 12 total)

Knit one row.

Increase kfb on beginning and end of each needle (8 stitches per needle, 16 total).

Knit around dividing stitches on 4 needles, 4 stitches each, mark beginning of round if needed.

Knit 4 more rounds.

Cast off not too loosely, cut approx. 20 cm tail. 

FELT PARTS

Cut out eye whites and 4 teeth from light felt.

Cut out thin line for the mouth from black felt.

So, now you have all your parts for making Om Nom...

... and when you arrange them like this you can almost see how he will look like.

FINAL ASSEMBLY

Make sure to position body correctly in regards with supposed “chest” and “back” (increases and decreases on 1^st and 3^rd needle) before you begin attaching feet. Using the tail from cast off attach feet to the body, filling it with polyester fiber when you come to last 3-4 stitches and close all holes and weave in ends neatly.  

Using black cotton thread sew shank buttons to the light felt making the pupils for the eyes.

Using light cotton thread sew eyes to the body.

With black thread sew mouth to make Om Nom smile.

With light thread sew teeth below the black line of mouth spacing them evenly apart so he looks cute and hungry.

Weave any remaining ends and go fetch him some candy. All done. 

You can even take him to work with you to show off :)