What I think I would like is more questions and less shortcuts

After this prolonged period of blog silence
blog hiatus so to speak
brought on by my unwillingness to share
(alleviated by writing food notes with some recipes in Croatian here on my other space)
I feel I want to air the contents of my scull
by verbalizing my thoughts
which is an exercise I rarely take part in.

Maybe it is time to clear the cobwebs and see what's in the corners.

Since I wrote my last post here on Tuesday
people have expressed their compassion and wished me well
which is all great and I encourage it
but I also think we're speaking different languages
and maybe that this should also be addressed
in an interest of clarity of this here situation described in the last post
and also other instances of emotion inference.

I am not hurt, angry or remorseful or disappointed,
am not wishful or riddled with doubts
and when I say that hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation skipped a beat and that my hands shook
it means I sensed the effect of stress in my body
and not that I felt bad.
This a common misconception, I feel,
in many many situations
and it is not brought on by my need to rationalize
but with unclarity of language and personal interpretation of physiological, sense-ladden and not emotion-ladden speech.

What we sense
(opposed by what we "feel" - which is clearly not sense related but thoughts/interpretation-related)
is the input to our cognitive system
and we, on occasion, emote subsequently
yet this emoting is rarely straightforward and often prone to interpretation.
Same wet palms are sometimes sign of stress
and other times proof of love
and I do not really care much about jumping the conclusion
emotion-wise
mostly because I see that lots of people are fully inept to understand or take responsibility for translating senses to responses to stimuli and prerequisites to actions.

Did I or did I not feel bad when I sensed the effect of stress in my body by way of hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation skipping a beat and by my hands shaking?

I felt...
startled, surprised, stressed
but also I felt certain I've made the right decision at the time
and sure that by consequence of that decision our eventual meeting would be unpleasant and unfavorable for any of parties involved,
not like earth-shattering extinction event but rather exercise in futility.

"Sometimes you've got to bleed to know, that you're alive and have a soul"

When returning to this here space
there is never a silence inside and consequent search for words
oh no
there is always such insane overabundance
it would be a word salad if I would only permit it to flow, to grow.

This morning I stopped at a red light behind the other car.
The car containing a person I was involved with
at one time.
My hands shook, and my hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation skipped a beat or two,
and  after I convinced myself that I was unnoticed
I spent rest of my drive to work thinking how extremely good it is that people seldom notice the effect they have on other people
(even when not separated by different moving vehicles).

I am not yet saved
but were I not extremely unpleasant and insulting
we would still be imprisoned by our good manners.

At an earlier point in time it was really difficult to me to accept the fact
that sometimes there is no way around
lovely and well mannered people
becoming prisoners of their own unconflicting nature.
There is no need to fignt, really,
or resolve conflict with violence of any kind,
and yet, the assertiveness and honesty and clarity of intentions
are sometimes still not enough to communicate
unambiguously
especially if mere existance of conflict is denied.

Were I not extremely unpleasant and insulting
I would have still wanted it to work
and if I am any judge of character WE would have still wanted it to work
and yet it would not
'cause it can not.