Part 4 of TBD
New year started on an interesting, yet familiar, note
with (two accounts thus far of) young* beautiful men approaching me IRL, rather than my mind feeding me those during my sleep.
This is not a precedent but is nevertheless strange and unexpected,
and was I vain this woud surely be wonderful fodder for my vanity
but in the circumstances as they are this is more of a burden.
Why is this a burden?
Actually, this looks like the best time to think about this out loud, since there's noone that could take offense as my time is my own and I'm in no fault with any allegiance or commitment.
Of course, I cannot be completely sure, but few traceable facts and educated guesses are that:
- I'm very often told I look quite younger than my age (by people of both genders and many ages)
- young people approach me because they are deceived by my looks (and probably drawn by my openness)
- they did not approach me before just because there was no opportunity since I was usually accompanied by friends (which acted like a barrier both due to socializing constraint and also because it was probably easier not to mis-assess my age in the reference group),
- and now that I usually go out alone the comparison is lacking so I appear as an potential mate
It is a burden because my wish for transparency dictates I should reveal the disproportion
(and there is one, even if it proves irrelevant AFTER informed consent is given)
but it nevertheless feels like going from conflict to conflict
(as it trims short their flirting opportunity by revealing waay too early potential resolutions of the interpersonal situation).
One more interesting bit:
not only young MEN approach me
but young women do not care of the age gap since it is not so strictly socioculturaly penalized in LGBT community like it is in hetero community.
I may be biased but it looks to me that liking someone means more in LGBT community, since it obeys no convention. And I'm not saying this because it would be more beneficial to me in this situation but rather because I think hetero convention could (and ultimately will have to) learn from this approach.
*and when I say young I mean 15 years my junior so at this time this would be 25 as I will be 40 in a month and a half. So I'm not old enough yet for 15 years junior to be truly irrelevant :D
Monday, January 29, 2018
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Even though I did not see many live shows this year and it was a year of massive frustrations and disappointments I did manage to listen to insane quantity of new music and I loved it immensely.
First, a story:
Sex used to occupy a huge part of my life once. I performed it, enjoyed it, thought about it and planned it. I loved it as a concept, as an action, as a point of conversation and even though I had very strong confidence in my role in it, at the same time, I felt ruled by it. Then I had a relationship with a person with very unusual understanding of sex and I vividly remember thinking:"This process is what will release me from its rule".
And it did.
That relationship has broken the spell sex had over me and finally divorced it from all and any obligation, internal and external. It permanently transubstantiated sex from something capricious and volatile into effortlessly replicable. It had shown the separation places between emotional and behavioral and allowed the use of any, some or none of the previously intertwined parts to mix the perfect concoction for every occasion.
Same happened with music this year.
This is the year music stopped being somewhat of an insult to senses and started being choreographed delight.
The list below is comprehensive (but not exhausting) and it shines a small light down the tunnels leading to my lair. Not surprisingly, the songs are about relationships and social constellations. I made a small playlist on YouTube so here it is.
Alibi (3A.M.) - Empara Mi
I wrote about this feeling before, in this post from 2015, the feeling of freedom brought on by the sword.
Attention - Charlie Puth
Just another proof that pop does not need to be stupid.
Awful things - Lil Peep
I never heard of Lil Peep before he was dead. I got sent Benz truck by a friend and I was intrigued by ASMR voice and nauseating bass overtone so I listened to more of his work. Awful things speak to me, like only memories can.
Bathwater - Weslee
I'm usually pretty cold to female vocals but this song took my heart as soon as I heard it.
Cold - Maroon5 ft. Future
It's never about the milk.
Frend - Kukus Klan
Kukus Klan are still the biggest inspiration to my musical growth and understanding.
Made In China (Prod. Richie Souf) - Higher Brothers x Famous Dex
Made in China is just an example as they have A LOT of awesome works and I consider Higher brothers my absolutely favorite and most influential catch this year.
In the middle - Dodie
I visited London in June 2017. It was a business trip and I had some meetings, extremely important and stress inducing meetings... but weather was beautiful and I allowed myself to be smart and prepared and, rather than being dumbstruck and overwhelmed, I enjoyed every minute of the visit. I'd like to think it gave me perspective and whole new appreciation of the British scene, blogger-writer-youtuber-foodie-human scene. So when I returned I found Dodie and I'm including this fresh video entry. Song topic is just an added bonus.
Mesmerizing burden - Rens Argoa
New Rens Argoa album Luciferin is an awesome piece of art, just like I got used to expect from them. It is great to hear it for the first time and grows even better with each repetition.
More Than Just Memes - Elliot Explicit
Elliot Gough, playwright, director and YouTube creator, who is incidentally also TomSka's editor for awesome Darksquidge series Last Week, made this smart retro-feel meme collection song as a part of guest week. This song is a brilliant collection of millennial internet lore as well as a cunning earworm, but it may also prove to be a most expensive joke one could play on one's self since it is a direct nietzche-esque gaze into the abyss of vacuous crap that popular culture is.
Ordinary Life - The Weeknd
Album Starboy has no filler and it is a bomb. I chose this song for best of because my heart breaks every time I hear it.
Thief - Ansel Elgort
I wrote about Thief in my previous post here.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
It was Saturday, first half of February, when I first heard Thief.
I was alone in my car, running some errands, as offspringess was with her father
and I was listening to Saturday morning scheme on YammatFM
when Thief started.
I was standing at the traffic light behind Vrapče train station when the piano beginning rolled slowly into cool winter morning and synthy rhythm line swished katana-esque through my innards.
I parked just down the street and scribbled a note into my phone:
"Skin on my skin, what a wonderful sin"
as I listened to the song intently, with movie scene from the lyrics flickering inside my inner eye
then went about my business.
When I came home I googled the words and then sat in awe in front of my PC watching the official video.
I love everything about this song;
wonky, emotion-tugging, youthful choice of words
as if speaking from the teenage pit of darkness
with always blurred into forever.
I've been living in the darkness
Shadows in my apartment, heartless
Taking love just to spill it on parchment
Next page and I'm out again
I've been living in the night life
Lips hit you like a drive by, frost bite
Ice cold, I mean they cut you like a sharp knife
Next page and I'm out again
I love the cinematic, short visual sentence style
with crisp and simple musical background
resulting in just perfect, soul-splitting delivery.
Skin on my skin, what a wonderful sin
Take your breath but you're asking for more
The tip of my finger is tracing your figure
I say good night and walk out the door
I may, of course, be partial to mr. Elgort's cause
and to nonexplicit, romanticized, relatable presentation of innately explicit disdainful motif
as I myself more often than not feel thievish in matters of carnal connections
but even with this bias counted in this is just the loveliest, earth-shatteringly beautiful picture of a person torn by intrapersonal guilt trying to dispose of responsibility reins.
We can be so hollow
Like my rib cage, the echoes follow
Follow me like the fears I swallow
And drown in all my mistakes
All I know is if my skin bled
Like the ink dripped from my pen
My bed will be drenched in a scarlet rose red
And drown in all my mistakes
I would be willing to bet my life that Mr. Elgort is nothing like the protagonist
but he and the rest of the team wrote an awesome song
and his brother directed and edited an awesome retro-feel video
featuring Ansel and his long-time partner
and it is just a perfect piece of art,
one that depicts life just as smoothly and vividly as the experience does.
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Went out Saturday night.
My usual scheme these days is:
- to attend some event purposely
- not to ask for company for specific attendance but to go alone
- to come just before the event, to minimize idleness (also mingling)
- to have just 1-2 drinks while there
- to leave as soon as the event ends
Yes, it is just as cautious as it sounds.
I’d rather err on the side of caution than on the side of having to explain my unwillingness to share.
Not that I mind explaining, it is just people being offended by explanations.
But Saturday night bucked
so I got summoned
to share some drinks and some words
before everything I had planned
so I idled
and I drank
and felt just like sarariman let loose from his noose
and it felt fuckin’ great.
I’m truly sure I was a pain in the butt
But it felt as good AF
And it took me two days to come to
Since being in venues that allow smoking gives me the worst hangover
But it freed me from myself
And from this overbearing need to control
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Part 3 of TBD
So what about much younger, extremely attractive, formally dressed man from my dream?
Well, to my knowledge I do not have preference to:
- younger - as no age gap can compensate for lack of common ground
- extremely attractive - as I often find most interesting brains in quite inconspicuous vessels
- formally dressed - as formal attire usually signals conformist restriction
- man - as interesting minds are being carried around in various-gendered cases, engulfed in various-gender-role beliefs
So with whom has my dream connected me?
It is not someone unattainable (as I do not seem to have trouble connecting with that demographics), it is the sum of specifications that are bound to get my attention because I would just not consider them together.
So, my curiosity is piqued. What now?
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Part 2 of TBD
So, what does my vibrant dream have in common with reality?
Honestly, not much.
It's almost two years now for me being truly single. Not hunting and not nursing some sadness and licking my wounds. Last person I had some noteworthy connection with was the guy from few posts below and I have also documented the finality of the decree here on the blog when the connection ended.
I remember speaking with him about this at that time, about me believing that I will go solo for a while now, and I remember it because it was a funny and strange conversation, one with me defending not myself from accusations but rather defending the premise of happiness of soloism.
I was not truly solo from when I was six.
Monday, September 25, 2017
|Uncannily similar fashion statement found on http://www.ownonly.com/product/763-solid-purple-oxford-shirt|
Lately, I have this recurring dream
that I'm paired up with a much younger man.
It begun few months ago and the dream was so vibrant I had to write it down:
I had a dream that I am married to a much younger, extremely attractive man.
We live together but - as it is the rule and not an exception for a very long time already - I am clearly completely ignoring him. At times, in the comfort of my own mind, I admire his beauty and, when lifting my head from some imminent task, I catch him watching me across the room, half longingly and half disapprovingly. Day turns into another day and at long last we find ourselves brought quite close to each other following some unknown chain of events. He is beautiful, gracious and extremely well dressed; wearing beige formal pants and pale purple shirt.
I'm standing next to him, looking straight at his face and I'm asking:
"Are you moving out?",
and he shakes his head, looks at me defiantly, with a smile, and snuggles closer to me.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Yesterday I went on a trip with colleagues from work
and we spent the day on a horse ranch
mingling and playing and socializing.
Since I see that much of the business relationship is sadly based on interpersonal relationships
and that those who are unwilling to share personal are subsequently left out of the business
I felt I should be there and demonstrate my compliance with established practice.
It sounds worse than it is;
I do not actually mind the practice. It just it is how it is and the way it is is completely normal part of behavior of social species. Me being part of the less social spectrum and
being aware of it
leaves me the posibility to use this situation as well as to avoid it -
So yesterday I was using it.
It was not unpleasant and I had a good time.
There were lot of educational opportunities and I hardly took out my phone or had to entertain myself with solitary activities.
I even played voleyball (which speaks volumes considering my deeply ingrained need not to do team sports)
and I rode a horse, even though I was not really planning for it
(lol this progressive relaxation really is paying off)
Something interesting happened.
I did not ride a horse ever before.
I am of the opinion that such a big and smart animal requires time to build relationship with
so since horses, or should I say "spending time with horses" is expensive
and I have no money to spare
I do not usually waste their time or mine by dabbling.
But yesterday we have already paid for our time so I felt I should add new experience to my experience archive
I went and joined the line we were standing in to try to ride.
Two by two people rode at the time, on two very calm horses, by being walked by hosts in the corral pictured above.
It seemed like undemanding, well trained and pretty boring task for the horses
to connect this to stuff mentioned above
it seemed like a relationship-less task.
Yet I stand surprised, humbled and more than a little perplexed now.
As the line was moving and I got to top of the line
people were still riding
but as I entered the corral
the horse approached me and fully stopped
the rider was surprised and so was I
and the host, who walked the horse for us to ride them said:
He chooses her.
The horse chooses her (me?!).
The person riding slipped down from the saddle and I, very surprised and nonplussed, eventually got up.We made a few rounds
and I quite enjoyed the feeling and the experience
but it also left me quite perturbed
as it brought right to the top just how much untrusting I have become.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
After this prolonged period of blog silence
blog hiatus so to speak
brought on by my unwillingness to share
(alleviated by writing food notes with some recipes in Croatian here on my other space)
I feel I want to air the contents of my scull
by verbalizing my thoughts
which is an exercise I rarely take part in.
Maybe it is time to clear the cobwebs and see what's in the corners.
Since I wrote my last post here on Tuesday
people have expressed their compassion and wished me well
which is all great and I encourage it
but I also think we're speaking different languages
and maybe that this should also be addressed
in an interest of clarity of this here situation described in the last post
and also other instances of emotion inference.
I am not hurt, angry or remorseful or disappointed,
am not wishful or riddled with doubts
and when I say that hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation skipped a beat and that my hands shook
it means I sensed the effect of stress in my body
and not that I felt bad.
This a common misconception, I feel,
in many many situations
and it is not brought on by my need to rationalize
but with unclarity of language and personal interpretation of physiological, sense-ladden and not emotion-ladden speech.
What we sense
(opposed by what we "feel" - which is clearly not sense related but thoughts/interpretation-related)
is the input to our cognitive system
and we, on occasion, emote subsequently
yet this emoting is rarely straightforward and often prone to interpretation.
Same wet palms are sometimes sign of stress
and other times proof of love
and I do not really care much about jumping the conclusion
mostly because I see that lots of people are fully inept to understand or take responsibility for translating senses to responses to stimuli and prerequisites to actions.
Did I or did I not feel bad when I sensed the effect of stress in my body by way of hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation skipping a beat and by my hands shaking?
startled, surprised, stressed
but also I felt certain I've made the right decision at the time
and sure that by consequence of that decision our eventual meeting would be unpleasant and unfavorable for any of parties involved,
not like earth-shattering extinction event but rather exercise in futility.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
When returning to this here space
there is never a silence inside and consequent search for words
there is always such insane overabundance
it would be a word salad if I would only permit it to flow, to grow.
This morning I stopped at a red light behind the other car.
The car containing a person I was involved with
at one time.
My hands shook, and my hollow muscular organ that pumps the blood through the circulatory system by rhythmic contraction and dilation skipped a beat or two,
and after I convinced myself that I was unnoticed
I spent rest of my drive to work thinking how extremely good it is that people seldom notice the effect they have on other people
(even when not separated by different moving vehicles).
I am not yet saved
but were I not extremely unpleasant and insulting
we would still be imprisoned by our good manners.
At an earlier point in time it was really difficult to me to accept the fact
that sometimes there is no way around
lovely and well mannered people
becoming prisoners of their own unconflicting nature.
There is no need to fignt, really,
or resolve conflict with violence of any kind,
and yet, the assertiveness and honesty and clarity of intentions
are sometimes still not enough to communicate
especially if mere existance of conflict is denied.
Were I not extremely unpleasant and insulting
I would have still wanted it to work
and if I am any judge of character WE would have still wanted it to work
and yet it would not
'cause it can not.