Wednesday, November 25, 2015

"Let's embrace the point of no return."

As time goes by
as a creature of discipline and intense introversion,
feel that I’m getting closer and closer to my true self.

Immersing into experience more
And also wielding the sword of truth with yet unprecedented resolve,
Dividing reality from fiction.

Pain is no longer bordering with pleasure.

I went for a run night before last.
It is finally cold enough to run comfortably
And it was so late it was almost tomorrow
But the night was cold and crisp and beautiful
And even the dog-walkers were absent from the world.

Such unearthly bliss.

I’m listening to Disclosure’s Caracal while running now.
It dissolves daily toil into nothingness.

Friday, November 20, 2015


You already know I dream rich when I am down.
With feel.
Using a lot of color to paint a lot of pain.

When I woke up this morning,
minutes before the alarm,
I still felt the touch and the emotion
and I knew - for a fact - that the dream was a lie.
Often it takes me minutes, sometimes days, to be certain that the dreamstuff did not happen.
But not this time.

The pain is fierce and fresh.
The decree final.

Thoughts whistle through the silent void.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Dancing With Myself

Q: If you had to summarize this whole marriage dissolution situation in one word, one word that would encompass all the heartache, anger, emotional and financial loss, image management, relationships management and all other material and immaterial consequences of this proces, which word would that be?

A: Educational. The word would be educational. Like not having something valuble in the beginning and then later - having it! It is a powerful word and a powerful concept that is deceptively difficult to grasp in all its simplicity.

Q: Have you ever regretted not staying in that relationship considering all the personal and social specifics of this dissolution, single parenting included?

A: No, I have not. Not because I was not thinking of it or because of the emotional load. I am not angry now and haven't been for a very long time. Anger was acute emotion, in use while there were still things to resolve and agreements to respect. After anger was spent and disappointment took center stage there was nothing more that could be done. Regret was prevented by thousand and one action I tried to make the relationship work while still in it. At one point losses were acknowledged and defeat accepted and the whole affair lost all of its value in one fell swoop.

Q: WTF? What you're saying feels a lot like wisdom distilled by thousands of rationalizations and lot less like true closure. It just takes once to hear you speak about some current crap he did or about some issue your opinions substantially differ to see that there's still fire in that furnace. What about that?

A: They are not truly dead when we divorce them even if they are dead to us as partners, LOL. Not everything about him was matter of dispute then nor is it now. I'm acknowledging that during the years following the dissolution I have seen also the things that made him appealing in the first place, but in the large scheme of things they are not enough to sway my opinion based on experience at hand, not only during the marriage itself but during the whole period we know each other.

Q: Let's speculate that he would be interested in getting back together. Are you afraid you could like him again? Or are you actively trying not to be in the situation to have to think about that?

A: Being afraid of that would imply that liking someone is a condition like contagious disease, one we cannot predict or avoid. To like someone you need some common ground and some trust that things which are not openly common have possibility to be common. Here that is not the case. We already know that our common ground is too small for comfort. I am not afraid of liking him. I'm not avoiding the issue. With the information I already have I can make better than educated guess that even if we both consciously worked on getting along that would not work. And there is ridiculously small chance of us both consciously working at anything, be it pizza pie or relationship.

Q: Why are you talking about this so much then? Writing posts? Re-visiting experiences?

A: Just like I already mentioned in the beginning of this topic exploration  there were open case studies that made this experience, my experience, more accessible and I chose to revisit it to see how it's holding up. I'm a experience connoisseur and would like to keep this one nice and fresh for reference. 

Q: Fresh for reference?! Meaning that you will inspect other relationships through the prism of relationship demise??

A: That is an interesting assumption but I do not think I will do that. At least not in a doomsayer's kind of way. I love relationships. I love their ups and downs, getting-to-knows, opening one's heart in trust to embrace the possibility of success. I also love learning about myself in those situations and I think I would like to keep having opportunities to keep learning. Experiences school us, that is true, but people are not so predictable that they would not be awesome and wonderful packages of characteristics, skills and mores - bringing surprise and joy just as often as bringing some less desirable content. 

Q: Big talk from someone with so prominent proclivity to non-belonging.

A: Yeah, well. Nobody's perfect :-P But there's still hope that there is some belong-worthy material out there.

Sunday, October 25, 2015


After you separate from your spouse, however public your differences were, you become less than welcome in the homes of all coupled friends and acquaintances.

When you visit a couple that lives in a way that includes black eyes and broken ribs explained by way of awkwardly opening kitchen cabinets and unfortunately losing step on the stairs they sit with you and assure you: "Do not worry, it will all be well - you're going to be back together in no time!"  

When you visit a couple in an acute power struggle they never sit with you together at the same time and at least one will say to you, with great conviction and too loudly for it to be only a message for you to take: "Good riddance! You did not need that piece of shit!"

Sometimes, somewhere, but very rarely you'll be greeted with a hug and a smile, given a comforting drink and asked: "How are YOU doing?" and "How can we help?".

After these first visits, when time (and not words only) starts to show that you are truly going to go through with divorce, world not only divides into your friends and his/her friends but also ones that can and cannot bear your lifestyle change. 

It is difficult not to take this personally but it helps to remember that you're not the only protagonist of this situation. The situation stars all the people coming into contact with it, in their own little universes and all the feelings of the people shaken with this decision. Keep some and let others go, whoever really can be friend will never be lost.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Usual Fare

Distress is like a location beacon for all other misery searching for company. As soon as experience manages to crack you open, showing your unprotected innards, people flock to have themselves a piece.

While I was in marital distress there was a constant stream of offerings of sex, by no less distressed individuals, because; what could be better to soothe and tide over this existential quandary before it settles into acceptance of "that's what life is" and "they're all the same". 

It did not fare well for them. Willingness to part with unacceptable conditions even at the price of breaking the mold of my own behaviors that facilitated the issue scared and threathened them and they would react with hatred and agression - yet it was as impotent as all their previous efforts.

During the divorce I was frequently told how brave I am and I did not understand it at a time. It did not seem to me that bravery is taking a stand to protect my child and myself from the life that I found demeaning and detrimental. Surely - that is the norm, anyone would do it, everyone does is - I thought.

But no. It is not and they do not. Social pressure even makes sure that the entropy of the system is increased. 

Monday, October 12, 2015

The Secret

By the time I exited my marriage my self-esteem was bunk as well as my ability to see good in the world. There were just too many examples of failure and cases of implementing changes to no avail. Being told you're no good becomes toil of taking the life out of every action so even when the flood of accusations dries out the prevalent feeling of bad spirit and lack of control remains.

When asked about it at a thousand and one mandatory meeting at social services  I could only muster the will to summarize the feeling into:"I do not want to be this person he's turning me into anymore."

At the core of my being nothing remained but a fear; fear that the experience will leave me forever devoid of my soul, that I would never find my way back into respecting and enjoying life. It was a fear so great it could not even be voiced lest I'd be devoured by it.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Mark Mrakovcic and Sleepyheads album promotion @ Tvornica 01Oct2015

Back there in June I went to see Zur-arranged gig at Attack! and during that gig  prettier half of Zur introduced me to Sleepyheads frontman. Other than my utmost confusion with stuff she was talking about I also remember she said not to miss their upcoming album promotion and that it is going to be absolutely awesome. So I remembered that when Sleepyheads album link appeared in my Facebook stream and I went to bandcamp and bought myself the album and also jumped over to Entrio and bought ticket for the gig. I love this internet age and wonderful ease of getting my shit without having to do with live humans in the process.

Having my folks babysit my 11 yo kid just gets more and more taxing over the years. One would think that people who I eat lunch with every mf Sunday would manage to remember I do not own a TV set and that they have to find another activity to pass the time for those 3 or so hours every few months that they spend here.

But, I digress; I was out in time to pick up my friend over at Cvjetno naselje and we drove downtown and had a nice walk before appearing at Tvornica. Some nice socializing (including meeting some cool new people) and a cold beer quickly thawed my frozen heart and before soon I was quite enjoying the evening. Zvonka was going back and forth greeting friends and acquaintances and after one such ellipse she returned with twinkle in her eye and a big grin and she said: "That is Mark. He is.."

"I know. The producer." I interrupted.

"Yeah." she said. "You're gonna LOOOVE him."

Few minutes later we were in front row and they started to play and loove him I did. Mark Mrakovcic (guitar, vocals) and supporting band (keyboards and drums) play with such wonderful ease and relaxation which only complete mastery can bring. Sound was set very loud but also lovely clear and with warm, pleasant timber.Their music is very old school (was reminded of Ozric Tentacles at Mocvara I watched few years ago) but pervasive feel is that of energy and mastery. It was all so unpretentious and had such a good, neighborly flow, I was just smitten with that impression. I liked how the guy on the keyboards had that familiar vibe of brother introvert by appearing completely out of place when walking around before and after the set and completely transforming into a blues sensei during the set.

I managed even to get my hands of setlist after they finished. I seldom care about any kind of mementos from the shows (and have exactly one other) I go to but it felt so appropriate to collect this one.

Few minutes later equipment was collected, removed, rearranged and Sleepyheads were on stage. All the usual indie and hipster suspects were in attendance and the gig that was recently being described on social networks as:"only for true music connoisseurs"  could start. I have already done my homework listening to the album and I saw that there were many prepared like that in the audience. Frontman had changed hairstyle since I last saw him (and this one suit him much better) and was visibly nervous but once they started to play it was smooth sailing all the way. Songs were much more alive then on the recording and they were well rehearsed and eager to please.

After four or so songs I had enough of front row, loudness and smoke so I moved to the back, closer to mix station and found myself a spot.

That was an impressive crowd. I liked this view better and the sound was awesome in the back. Some tipsy girls were constantly bumping into me but I was amused and benevolent. I was thinking how Vedran's pronunciation was really nice and how I would love to hear them play again somewhere less smoke-filled when they will be less intimidated by big audience.

You should keep an eye out for their next gig and come to hear them too.

Thursday, October 1, 2015


When I think about what it took for me to leave the institution of my marriage there seems to be a million things on the surface; the alcohol, the lack of respect, the anger, silence, dissapointment ... A million things. But, in actuality all these things boil down to the minute it was truly over - when I no longer considered him and me as us.

I remember that moment and that train of thought so vividly as if it happened two minutes and not eight years ago. 

I remember despair and furiosity and the frustration leading to that moment. I remember thinking to myself:"But how am I going to do ALL THIS ALONE?!" and I remember my inner voice answering to that voiceless plea with:"You are already doing all this alone."

And that was the truth. Humiliating and empowering truth. There was noone to lean on and share responsibilities with, there was no other for a very long time. There was only me keeping the illusion alive. Me cleaning, me parenting, me paying bills, planning and networking. Me. Not us.

And that was the moment I was out, moment of terrifying clarity stating that all bets are off.

It takes some people a lot more time and effort, it takes lifetime for some and they never come out and yet for others still all it takes is just one bad decision that seals the deal for eternity. Like it sealed for Mr. Stylman here in the third episode of Life. All it took is a bit of fear that illuminated his true colors.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Anna Silvers

Marriage is an institution of beauty. Or despair.

As a psychologist and also as a divorced person I read a lot of stuff on marriage and personal relationships. It is a prolific field of research and even more prolific field of abundant anecdotal evidence and heated  unsubstantiated opinions. No other area holds more interest for me than interpersonal relationships and it is as much labor of love as it is the quest for quenching intellectual curiosity thirst.

With that being said real live examples, often quite immediate, are falling close to the heart so to speak, engaging me on levels both private and professional - bringing true discomfort along with captivation.

In the second ever episode of Life there is a great exchange in the beginning, one that captures in its essence the internalization of societal expectations in its full terrifying ridiculousness, one which ends with Dani Reese kneeling over a dead person in a wedding apparel. As we, the viewers, pick up from there it is so easy to overlook that in daily life we may not always encounter complete people lying like that but frequently there are bits of our beliefs left thusly; betrayed expectations, un-communicated fears, hopes given up upon that finally leave us void of our ticking mechanism, nonfunctional. Broken.

At this time in my close proximity in real life there are two open "case studies" so to speak, one with male and one female party being undone by a destructive relationships right in front of our eyes. It is truly disconcerting how little can be done to help other than making ourselves available for them in some possible future event of actual need.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Night Overpass

I wake up around three-ish each night; I feed the cats, take a leak and then usually read a book, catch up on my emails or scroll through twitter feed tinkering with some or the other issue that will only come back into existence with my morning alarm. 

It is a productive and peacefull time and I've grown quite fond of this night overpass between one day and the next.

Once that the munching and slurping of tasty catfood subsides ears are filled with only the white noise of household appliances and occasional outside noise. Books feel like vast oceans in that unusual lack of stimuli and attention has unique physical presence.

When I'm particulary unsettled, like I am now, I soothe myself with meditation of listening to my own heart beating in this engulfing silence. Worries become huge menacing beasts, dragons of disquiet, whose fierce might just burns themselves out, leaving but a fading memory by the morning light. 

Many times the act of putting down tablet or turning down the reading light reveals the fact of not having to also turn off the radio, even if some music has followed me quite persistently through my reading hour. Sometimes the music within me is so strong it does not even need to come from the outside.