I just had pneumonia for a month and there is something I
wish to write down here on the blog because I feel I have learned something.
You see, I tried online dating few months ago.
I have been single for quite some time now, and indeed even
though I was married for a few years and had some relationships I actually feel
I have been single through that time too. I do feel connected with some of my
exes and there were instances in which I felt as a part of a bigger whole (with
no nostalgia or bitter taste in this fact) so this is not issue of being unable
to connect. It just so happens, it seems, that I chose to spend time with
people with lax sense of commitment.
And then someone twitted something interesting about an
online dating community available in my area.
Since I’m always ready for a bit of experimenting and prefer
truth even when she is not pleasant to stomach I went off and made myself a
profile. It was a nice profile. Thought through. Open, socially pleasant and
also direct. At the same time objective, clear cut and cold. Just like me -
disciplined enough not to openly contradict the social norm but inevitably
emotionally distanced. Profile (in other words - me) became quite popular
quickly and even though there was a lot of hay to go through some needles were
found. So I exchanged some opinions, enjoyed some conversations and had a date
or five. In the end it did not work out but I had a good time and I think I
managed to communicate that it was a pleasant experience even though we did not
click on a larger scale.
It has been 14 years since I was actually dating anyone and
this was both old and completely new experience for me.
I disliked:
- meeting people. I hate meeting people. Being fiercely
introverted and also quite protective of my privacy just makes me not want to
put myself in that position if that is not absolutely necessary.
I liked:
- meeting people. Sense of distance the computer screen
gives is just the perfect amount of distance to start a conversation. And after
some conversation meeting in person is just a logical step.
- kissing. I missed kissing. Sense of closeness it gives
even when you just start to get to know people.
- verbalization. How when I just meet people I can communicate
likes and dislikes directly, for them to be acknowledged. Things sound differently
in the confines of the mind then released into the wild of the social situation.
What brings me back to my pneumonia month. Bigger part of
that month my daughter was with her father and grandparents, on their summer
vacation, and I was alone.
There I was; broken, in bed, with fever reaching 40°C, alone
in my apartment. No one to brew some tea for me or cook me chicken soup to
nurse me to health. No one to keep me company or to check my forehead for signs
of returning fever in the middle of the night. No one to share “or for worse”
in between two “for betters”.
And I did not mind.
I had friends calling me to see how am I feeling, parents
trying to smuggle in lunches so I would not need to cook, neighbors knocking on
my door to check up on me and bring me small gifts of kindness.
I slept, took my medicine, ate simple meals and read books when
I could. When I felt better I showered and tidied the place, I made my bed
every day and I turned the electronics off to go to sleep at night. My organized
person routine just rolled on, slower than usual, but undoubtedly present.
I did not crave for company and I did not feel bad to be
left to my own devices. I was happy to hear from friends and parents and
neighbors and I loved to see how considerate they are and how well they know me.
In their kind efforts I saw their kindness but I also saw my value to them, and
fruit of my labor in communicating all the things of value behind my distant
and objective appearance.
It is not that I fail to connect. It takes two to connect.
I think I will make more room now for the possibility of
meeting people.
