Beast of burden

There are only so many things I can imagine myself saying to the person I loved at some point and most of them consist of: "good bye, good luck, take care, I wish things turned out less stressful" and such. When unreasonably and deviously provoked I tend to resolve things peacefuly to a point and then I just fall through and stupidly insult. And instantly I feel bad about that and am angry with myself because that just isn't what I think. As a matter of fact I realize the ruse in provocation directed at proving (unflattering and hurtful) expectations. I understand how that would be consistency-strenghtening strategy and how this is beneficial to persons' psychological well-being but nevetheless I do not understand how can this be preferable to admiting that relationships change and allthough changes aren't always pleasant we could aspire to be. There will be better fits for all of us and hate and disrespect only produce more of hate and disrespect. The only person that will most definitely be with us forever is our own self. Any and all others are optional. So why to burden one's self with hate?

... and then, Not-So-Warm-December

Temperature plummeted and - lo and behold - we got a white blanket here in Zagreb. I really, really dislike snow and how much it cramps up my style but it sure looks pretty.

Warm December

Zagreb was so beautiful today. I am ill and have taken some sick leave so I feel less receptive for the beauty of the world, but Zagreb was so beautiful today. It was raining a bit in the morning and there was some wind pushing the clouds to and fro and it was beautiful. I went out to my front yard and it smelled sweet, moist, earthy and alive. My willow was full of fresh leaves and the grass looked as if it is already early spring.

My House

I watch House when I am unwell. It soothes me and stops me from making rash and irreversible decisions. There are moments in which I feel I am not going to make it and watching House somehow buffers that feeling and makes me more patient, more resilient. It is not really the show that helps me - it is the notion that somewhere out there may be people understanding and going through the same shit... Same exotic and hard to explain shit.

I have been reading Laozi's The Tao Teh King lately and it also seems to help.

As I see it and also as Laozi has seen it, so it seems, there is a very fine line between to help and to hinder, release to freedom and tear asunder...and that fine line not being a line at all but a mirage, a rock, an omnipresence.