Sunday, June 3, 2012
Straw that broke the camel's back
This time of change has made me concerned and pensive...
What you get here - what I choose to post here! - are now so small fragments of truth that almost noone, even people who see me daily and assume to know me well cannot interpret to resemble the truth.
Is it a good thing?
I do not think so.
I feel I should ease the reins.
And I feel I should leave myself some room to breathe.
And I feel I should allow myself to tell some stories uncensored, as they happen and as thoughts come.
Allow myself to retrospect without being cautious and worrying how stupid will it make me look.
So: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If not now, when?"
With wise words of rabbi Hillel let me start with fresh approach immediately.
What is home?
I thought about this a lot during last two months.
Since my ex-husband and I separated and my daughter and I had to ask my folks to take us in, living with my parents progressed from bad to worse. They're not bad people as such - I know that, but life is a bumpy ride and not all people strive to learn and find new ways to make it less unsufferable - so this was a bad fit for all included. Before I even married we did not get along very well and differences in our values and lifestyles only enlarged while I lived away. Return was unwanted and indication of failure.
This was not home.
This made me sad and angry and resolute to implement changes that were called for but we could not agree to what extent changes should change our lifestyles and habits so it did not work well. And it was less and less home every minute we spent here. Even though objective parametres proved me right and there was no doubt left that changes should be implemented in best interest of mere survival, if not quality of life.
Yet, objective parametres are poor predictors of change possibilities and poorer still of interpersonal relations.
It was not home.
X X X
This is first post in the series "What is home?". Read posts two and three here.