From The Inside

Few years back I usually got into a business of reviewing my year before beginning of the next in kind of attempt to appraise efficiency and progress through arbitrary parameters.

It gave me a sense of closure which sorely lacked in my daily endeavors as I regarded myself as a ginormous failure having failed in my authenticity (since I got formally married even though I had no desire to do so), in relationship maintenance (since I maintained relationships that should have been discarded long before and have failed to maintain relationships that would bear fruit at a later time) and in my career (since I attended college and successfully finished all classes but have not graduated).

Now, all this has changed - after years of procrastination I just got up and did things that needed to be done and closure is attained - so this year, instead of filing the edges to make things more fitting, I can roughen them up and greet the new Year with questions just opened.

Things I learned this year I wish to pursue more in the Future:

1. There’s always someone offering to buy you a drink 

It is very easy to stay alone. You just keep your guard up, don’t let anybody close enough to make you feel, politely say no to opportunities, go home when you notice yourself loosening up. So easy - and yet, people do cry over spilt milk without ever noticing that they are spilling it themselves.

2. It is not true that when you leave school there are no opportunities to make new friends

Friendship is a commodity you find in strangest places and the best thing is that you find it precisely because you are lurking around those strangest places yourself. It is a two-way game that brings pleasure of unity sniper and spotter have - joining different strengths and proclivities into common, differently unattainable goal.

3. Sex is something you bring to the party, not something the world creates for you

Most difficult thing for me to understand is that people have sex as a chore. They do not enjoy doing a good job (1), personalizing it for the other person (2), they do not enjoy sculpting it for own pleasure (3) through either verbal or nonverbal communication, nor enjoy the fact of sharing an intimate moment (4). If things are as described, it is easy to understand that there is not much excitement there to fuel ongoing passion. I think this is silly since just imagining an erect cock or tit glistening with sweat is enough to get my juices flowing, and an actual participation of another person makes me pleased as a kid unwrapping best birthday present ever.

4. Authenticity takes more than being unyielding

To be true to one’s self takes more than sticking behind one’s choices. It sometimes takes changing your mind, switching choices and advocating different positions. It sometimes even takes accepting inevitability and making it work for you. Authenticity takes not standing behind what you think is right but moving toward and making happen what you think is right.

And, for the end - my absolutely favorite thing of this whole year:

A photo, taken without my knowledge by a professional photographer who also happens to be my dear friend (Again: Thank you, Saša! You really are a master!), of ME, during a concert.

This is what my pleasure looks like from the outside.