|I took this picture of cake top in one of Zagreb malls. I love how they look each other as if speaking without words :D|
I had an interesting discussion yesterday about the issues of love and, more closely, issue why I see this question of fear of failure wrecking relationships so important.
“It is a question of expectations.”, my friend said. “It is a question of you being hurt by someone so it grows into resentment that makes you see men in an unflattering light.”
I have been hurt by that at some point, but I have been hurt by other things too. And being bisexual I have been hurt also by girls, and I would say that I liked being hurt by girls far less than being hurt by men. But that is all just personal preference.
As I have already said before I like men’s stories more because I feel them more comparable to my own. It is not resentment, it is compassion that determines my emotional reaction to them. It is that I feel I can understand those experiences better because I too feel them firsthand; not at the receiving end of the hurt, but at the giving.
Even though I usually don’t give the impression of having fears of any kind (or so I am told) I do harbor a fear or two that could be classified as crippling fears that f%#k up performance. And they have cost me both gratification and relationships.
That I really did not like.
I did not like the losses, I did not like the consequences and I especially did not like being responsible for allowing the fear to control me.
That was just unacceptable.
I come from the long lineage of people who do not rock the boat and are perfectly content to live their whole life in unsatisfactory conditions all the while complaining about them, but not changing anything. I am in position to see firsthand what are the consequences of choice of that lifestyle and how my life would look, decades into the future, if no changes are made. As all men must make that choice for themselves - to proceed with life by inertia or to swim against the current - I made my choice and I’m living this choice now.
How do you get rid of fear of failure? And, even more - how do you get rid of fear of responsibility? (what used to be my biggest problem, and sometimes still is)
You start by baby steps;
1. Identify the behavior that causes the problem and admit that there is an emotion of hmm… unpleasantness that propels that behavior. Understand that emotion you may not be able to tackle directly, but behavior is completely in your power to control. You could carry that emotion with you for some time more, even after you change behavior, but this will not last forever. You should know this and should not let yourself be discouraged by this lingering feeling. Everything in life takes time (as it also took time for your fear to disrupt your daily life) so it is understandable that this does also.
2. Find example to emulate; someone who you would like to be like. Someone who shows consistent behavior that reflects values you would like yourself to reflect. It can be real person or character from a book, series, movie, game.
3. Imitate. Imitation is first stage of acquiring any new skill and it is also sincerest form of compliment. Mold your behavior to look like behavior you admire and grow closer to the person you wish to be.
4. Build on that. Be vigil to feedback, every some time ask yourself is there something else you wish to change or simply stop for a while and admire the good work you’ve done. Reward yourself with some experience you thought inaccessible to the person who you used to be.
Some people will not support the change and you will have to leave them behind. Don’t worry, everyone who really is your friend and not a parasite will welcome the improved you. Some parasites will also join you later, learning from your example (and showing you how excellent your quest really was). Some days will be easier than the others and some will stink and be boring and hard and “Why the fuck am I doing this?!” but they will grow fewer and fewer and further apart from each other and you just need to persevere.
Once or twice you will “fall of a wagon” and fuck up a situation or three but in time you will learn to enjoy those instances because they will show you how far you have come in your quest to be…