Anna Silvers

Marriage is an institution of beauty. Or despair.

As a psychologist and also as a divorced person I read a lot of stuff on marriage and personal relationships. It is a prolific field of research and even more prolific field of abundant anecdotal evidence and heated  unsubstantiated opinions. No other area holds more interest for me than interpersonal relationships and it is as much labor of love as it is the quest for quenching intellectual curiosity thirst.

With that being said real live examples, often quite immediate, are falling close to the heart so to speak, engaging me on levels both private and professional - bringing true discomfort along with captivation.

In the second ever episode of Life there is a great exchange in the beginning, one that captures in its essence the internalization of societal expectations in its full terrifying ridiculousness, one which ends with Dani Reese kneeling over a dead person in a wedding apparel. As we, the viewers, pick up from there it is so easy to overlook that in daily life we may not always encounter complete people lying like that but frequently there are bits of our beliefs left thusly; betrayed expectations, un-communicated fears, hopes given up upon that finally leave us void of our ticking mechanism, nonfunctional. Broken.

At this time in my close proximity in real life there are two open "case studies" so to speak, one with male and one female party being undone by a destructive relationships right in front of our eyes. It is truly disconcerting how little can be done to help other than making ourselves available for them in some possible future event of actual need.

Night Overpass

I wake up around three-ish each night; I feed the cats, take a leak and then usually read a book, catch up on my emails or scroll through twitter feed tinkering with some or the other issue that will only come back into existence with my morning alarm.

It is a productive and peacefull time and I've grown quite fond of this night overpass between one day and the next.

Once that the munching and slurping of tasty catfood subsides ears are filled with only the white noise of household appliances and occasional outside noise. Books feel like vast oceans in that unusual lack of stimuli and attention has unique physical presence.

When I'm particulary unsettled, like I am now, I soothe myself with meditation of listening to my own heart beating in this engulfing silence. Worries become huge menacing beasts, dragons of disquiet, whose fierce might just burns themselves out, leaving but a fading memory come morning light. 

Many times the act of putting down tablet or turning down the reading light reveals the fact of not having to also turn off the radio, even if some music has followed me quite persistently through my reading hour. Sometimes the music within me is so strong it does not even need to come from the outside. 

"There was all that proof."

In the beginning of Life there is this quick mockumentaristic mashup of parts of interviews with Charlie Crews's friends and family, real attention-grabbing stuff of the small things from the unknown context burning its way into our mind and this gentle female voice, repeating twice:"There was all that proof."

Transfixed blank stare and leafing through Path to Zen.

I love that show.

                                               x                     x                      x                

Lately, when I'm highly stressed I go running.

Through the day I give the impression of being preoccupied, yet in control. I take things and I solve them, one after the other, efficiently and disconnectedly. And  feel extremely efficient because truly I am. There is all that proof.

... and yet, I also know there are things I'm not resolving and stuff I'm not in control of and those I can only leave to unravel and become clear.

Runing helps.

Not really, but in a way how push-ups help a prisoner in solitary. It gives focus, supplies endorphins, eases the mind.

I ran 4K today. Went running when the kid was already in bed. She said:"Now?!" when I gave her a kiss before going out. Yeah baby, now.

It was a beautiful night with smell of autumn in the air; crisp, heavy with overripe grapes and tired foliage. I ran well and I listened to Skrillex's Bangarang like I always do when cannot bear sentences. It has an awesome beat and I feel like a winner entering the finish line with every song. It pushes me to work on my cadence without even thinking of it.

While running I noticed there was my shadow always there before me, running in front of me, always. Mocking me. Playing with me. Challenging me.

Showing me the Path.

Teledrome, Juzni and Neon Lies @ AKC Medika

I only hold lower most contempt for "summer break" in Zagreb concert season. Year after year I hear explanations but they offer no more than lame excuses. With that said, I do understand the issue of overstretched expenses in many of venues and that makes my respect for AKC Medika bigger and bigger each year. I love their shows, their activism, function in front of form approach. Year after year it ensures interesting and fun summer in Zagreb and I never ever leave their commons disappointed.

One such example happened this Thursday. There was Teledrome gig in Attack and Juzni and Neon Lies supported them with their performances. I went there with high expectations and I left more than ecstatic.

For starters there was this great flyer by Biblical Violence Illustrations:

I did not know much about the performers before the gig but this is all my fault since AKC Medika social media person spares no effort to collate and present A LOT of information about all their happenings on Facebook, Twitter, and Attack homepage.

I knew there would be Sven from ### so I was sure there will be something interesting there. Not to beat around the bush - this performance was just awesome! Usual Juzni setup is Sara and Eva from Žen and Goran and Sven from ### - but due to some unforeseen circumstances Goran was absent from this gig and we were notified in advance on FB/twitter that the performers will be "Dražen i Lidija Transjužni Improvizacijski Trio".

I loved this set. It was majestic in sound just as much as it was pretty.

Dražen i Lidija Transjužni Improvizacijski Trio

They opened with something experimentally post-rockish (Sven is playing with some kind of drumsticks on a bass guitar laid flat - if I saw this correctly - and girls are blazing good on drums and guitar) and soon into the set the strobes started to flash and the music heated up and flowed - for 20 or so minutes - without ever ceasing to be really exciting and interesting. I loved this gig. I'm already hoping there will be more of their music.

Second act was Neon Lies.

Goran Lautar - Neon Lies - performing at Attack.

This was a surprise for me. I was so baffled seeing Goran Lautar is Neon Lies that it took a few minutes and half a dozen of funny smses to ascertain and confirm the situation. In this act first song was like first pancake; sticky and behaving weirdly, threatening to ruin your pleasure for the whole batch - but, sound got better and everything got adjusted and whole set was surprisingly smooth. I do not know the guy that well but he seemed quite freaked out before the set and he was very happy with the reception and his own performance afterwards. It will be good seeing Neon Lies again after this first ever performance. I have a feeling it could grow nicely.

And then, Teledrome.Teledrome was great.

There was this awesome mixture of Hemendex vibe with how Handsome Furs used to expend their energy while performing. Plus punk-ishly short songs. They have an album here so you can sample it.

I danced my ass off.

They were in good spirits, very relaxed and played with fierce energy. I loved how they just spread that cool, self-confident tone everywhere they went during the intermezzos in the commons and then took it to stage to wash over us like a tidal wave. It was a great, rejuvenating, energizing experience. I could have it three times a day without ever getting bored.

All in all great, great gig and another night well spent on Attack grounds.


*gig report also published at Terapija.net in English.