Primrose

I took a photo of the primroses above in friend's garden day before yesterday.
It grows warmer and, since CET time changed this weekend, it is still day when I come home from work so we can go for a walk and admire the colors of budding nature.

This weekend I went for a run in late morning
and all I could think about during the run is
how much I hate runing during the day.
People were everywhere
staring
not maleficent and rather good-spirited and curious
but everywhere
and other than fulfilling my workout task for the day I found no solace in that run.

"Let's embrace the point of no return."

As time goes by

I,

as a creature of discipline and intense introversion,

feel that I’m getting closer and closer to my true self.

Immersing into experience more

And also wielding the sword of truth with yet unprecedented resolve,

Dividing reality from fiction.

Pain is no longer bordering with pleasure.

I went for a run night before last.

It is finally cold enough to run comfortably

And it was so late it was almost tomorrow

But the night was cold and crisp and beautiful

And even the dog-walkers were absent from the world.

Such unearthly bliss.

I’m listening to Disclosure’s Caracal while running now.

It dissolves daily toil into nothingness.

"There was all that proof."

In the beginning of Life there is this quick mockumentaristic mashup of parts of interviews with Charlie Crews's friends and family, real attention-grabbing stuff of the small things from the unknown context burning its way into our mind and this gentle female voice, repeating twice:"There was all that proof."

Transfixed blank stare and leafing through Path to Zen.

I love that show.

                                               x                     x                      x                

Lately, when I'm highly stressed I go running.

Through the day I give the impression of being preoccupied, yet in control. I take things and I solve them, one after the other, efficiently and disconnectedly. And  feel extremely efficient because truly I am. There is all that proof.

... and yet, I also know there are things I'm not resolving and stuff I'm not in control of and those I can only leave to unravel and become clear.

Runing helps.

Not really, but in a way how push-ups help a prisoner in solitary. It gives focus, supplies endorphins, eases the mind.

I ran 4K today. Went running when the kid was already in bed. She said:"Now?!" when I gave her a kiss before going out. Yeah baby, now.

It was a beautiful night with smell of autumn in the air; crisp, heavy with overripe grapes and tired foliage. I ran well and I listened to Skrillex's Bangarang like I always do when cannot bear sentences. It has an awesome beat and I feel like a winner entering the finish line with every song. It pushes me to work on my cadence without even thinking of it.

While running I noticed there was my shadow always there before me, running in front of me, always. Mocking me. Playing with me. Challenging me.

Showing me the Path.

Invisible Support = Invaluble Support

Last year in August I had pneumonia and I spent almost a month being acutely sick and then some more trying to feel better.

You see,

I lost my footing completely.

Before the pneumonia, there was me - feeling strong like warrior queen - 

running 3 times a week and pushing as hard as I can in other things in my life

and when pneumonia came it felt like nothing I ever felt in my entire life.

I felt weak. 

Felt completely without control.

Physical fitness means a great deal to me. For such a long time already I live without some kind of support for daily stuff like getting around and carrying stuff and I rely only on myself for earning for food and roof over our heads and this new weakness was truly humbling experience.

When acute part of pneumonia ended I was still not bouncing back as fast as I wanted so I decided to make some changes to my lifestyle. I joined Calorie Count and started to look into the foods I ate to diagnose places ready for improvement. I decided to spend more time doing stuff I loved and to be more sincere in cutting the bonds of relationships I had no wish to maintain and pursuing ones that I find mutually rewarding. 

I think it works.

Now, almost a year later I am 24 pounds lighter and I have doubled monthly run distances. I truly enjoy the time I spend working out instead of doing it as a chore. My eating and cooking habits have changed so much that instead of convenient canned goods, rice and pasta I came to our seaside vacation carrying loads of veggies, grains and clean meats with pressure cooker and wok to boot.

I repeatedly surprise myself. 

Maybe that sounds crazy to someone following this blog but I do not always feel as adamant as I sound, and I frequently search for some strength inside me - not finding it.

Because of that it feels so great - now and again - to look behind, sometimes even using this blog as baseline, and to see where I have been and where I am now and - surprise myself!

Thank you, invisible visitors, for being the part of my journey! Please always feel free to drop by or send me a line.

Falling Pieces

I took my new running shoes for a spin tonight;
night was calm, air cleansed by early rain.

I did not run for a week,
my hip still hurts sometimes, after being inflamed,
so I only cycled to add some diversity.
It helped.

Lately, I listen to Echo when I run,
Nothing's Carved in Stone album from 2011.
It is completely awesome
- almost meditative -
with prominent bassline and great, luscious rich arrangements
and crazy, wonderful, un-English lyrics in songs with English lyrics
peaking into magnifficent Chain Reaction in Japanese.

I love that one. I cannot but sing it.
It scares patrons at the bar I run by at that point. It is quite funny.

Half way into my chosen route I forget myself and repetitive pace takes over.
It is undescribable, unreal feeling.
Pure bliss.
When I come around all the tension of the day has drained out of me.
I run into my building, up the stairs, unlock my place and shed my running skin.

I love doing my streching naked and cats love sniffing news from soles of my shoes.

Zagreb in Summer

I love Zagreb during summer

I love its clean, hot and powdery smell. I love its vibrant green in parks and meadows and dense pockets of shade emerging in the yellow gold of sunshine.

I love how the heat is intense and burning
and how the air shimmers to let you know this heat is no joke.

I love going to the store without a car and the rich yellow sun pouring over me like honey.

I walk slowly and breathe slowly and I drink double the water I usually do.
Coming to my dark and pleasantly cool lair I am both happy to feel the relief and pleasantly tingling with anticipation of yet another outside trip.

I yearn sex more during summer. I find it most sensual.

I wake up, get alive, speed up in the evening.
Spend my time outside, roaming the streets.
Swish of the wind and pervasive smell of hot tar coming off the asphalt is so inviting for a bike ride I do not even try to resist.

Running also changes;
it feels slow and I have to breathe a lot and huff and puff and I sometimes wish I had wet hat as soon as I exit my place for a run,
but soon my hair is wet from sweat and wind picks up near the railroad
and wind cools my head as I smile (and sometimes laugh from pure joy) and do some intervals.

Being happy in summer is easy.

People are usually annoyed from the heat and nervous so they keep out of the way so the city is free.
For me.

Firefly Run

Neighbourhood stream by day. And also - some drakes.

I love this warmer part of the year

and

since I started running I love it even more.

Last night I ran by the stream in my ‘hood;

for the most part it is not lighted with streetlights

so I run into warm and pleasant darkness filled with trickle of water, rustle of leaves and cooing of lovers from benches set by the path.

Tall grass was cut last week and the hay smelled sweet and powdery.

Fireflies roamed through the air.

Couple of over-fragranced ladies with tiny dogs huddled over some rumor hogging the road

but my legs were light and I circled around them and through the meadow.

Dog barked out of a nearby yard, startled by me running by so close and then abruptly stopped, confused by his own barking ringing briskly through the night.

Far ahead poplar threads were carried by the breeze under streetlights.

My feet tapped rhythmically on the path and down the street

and another street

and another street. Wind rose and I took off my cap and shook my wet hair into the wind.

Head cooled pleasantly. Feeling of refreshment set in.

I smiled; wide and wide-eyed.

Felt my soul wiggle and relax.

Miles felt sweet and muscles pliable and alive. Road like a silver snake curved out of sight. Train rumbled by.

On My Run

Photo from Gratisography. Go there to see more beautiful pictures by Ryan McGuire.

Last night,

while on my evening run I was listening to San Fermin’s new album Jackrabbit

(which you can buy here from iTunes),

I was not thinking at all.

It was a glorious night for a run;

beautifully warm (but not too warm) and airy (and not windy).

New leaves on trees planted on my chosen route were delightfully trembling in the breeze

(and I would surely hear them rustle if I was not wearing headphones).

Few people I met on the way were busy going on about their business

and their dogs about theirs,

and we moved by each other in space and time not causing ripples in each other’s paths.

Garmin was gently vibrating at each kilometer… 6:08, … 6:06,.. drawing attention to itself,

trying to be more important than it is -

But I kotowari’d.

"This is a holy time: B'tanay, the time of awakening.” rang in my mind.

Emily rang in my ears.

Legs moved feet one in front of the other.

And again.

And again.

Church radiated electricity expenditure.

A bit of darkness then one lovely round girly butt, traffic light, train station, gust of warm wind, elegant streetlights

and I’m home.

Garmin vibrates again and I cross the driveway taking out my keys.

Return of The Running Mojo

Last week I started to run again after my pneumonia break.

When I was ill I was just too sick and exhausted to move and later on I decided to slowly pick up the pace, first by taking long walks and working out at home (strength and cardio, mostly 15-minute HIIT trainings) and last week I felt strong enough to go on a “real run”.

I have also changed eating habits some, by trying to eat with a bit more thought invested in diversity and nutritional values, not only presentation and taste - and I think this was a excellent decision as I feel really good, not to mention how regular digestion can make person very happy indeed :D

I think I have just now begun to actually enjoy running.

I’ve been running off-and-on for couple of years now, running regularly for a few months at a time and then skipping or pausing altogether, not really letting it become a habit and treating it as a constant competition more than something intimate and inherently enjoyable. Until now I have made a lot of small changes in how I run; starting to use Endomondo to track my runs, changing shoes from classic shoes into more barefoot version, changing accessories to feel more comfortable while running, trying out different surfaces and different time of day, varying routes where to run to include inclines, steps, people or solitude. I also read a few books including excellent Murakami’s What I talk about when I talk about running and lastly Jogging by Ivo Belan.

In things of approach to running and technique I especially liked Belan’s book. It gives great advice on host of questions and things you usually don’t remember to ask before you have to resolve them while running. Most importantly I loved his descriptions of running as an activity that is intertwined with other life activities. I love how he includes details about other people, about family members and agreements, about participating - even in a slow pace. In his words you can see how participation alone can truly mean victory.

So I reviewed my running from a different perspective; less aggressive and with more anticipation of enjoyment in process, rather than in result.

And  my runner’s mojo returned, eager to go where it was unable to go before.