My favorite songs in 2017

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Even though I did not see many live shows this year and it was a year of massive frustrations and disappointments I did manage to listen to insane quantity of new music and I loved it immensely.

First, a story:

Sex used to occupy a huge part of my life once. I performed it, enjoyed it, thought about it and planned it. I loved it as a concept, as an action, as a point of conversation and even though I had very strong confidence in my role in it, at the same time, I felt ruled by it. Then I had a relationship with a person with very unusual understanding of sex and I vividly remember thinking:"This process is what will release me from its rule".

And it did.

That relationship has broken the spell sex had over me and finally divorced it from all and any obligation, internal and external. It permanently transubstantiated sex from something capricious and volatile into effortlessly replicable. It had shown the separation places between emotional and behavioral and allowed the use of any, some or none of the previously intertwined parts to mix the perfect concoction for every occasion.

Same happened with music this year.

This is the year music stopped being somewhat of an insult to senses and started being choreographed delight.

The list below is comprehensive (but not exhausting) and it shines a small light down the tunnels leading to my lair. Not surprisingly, the songs are about relationships and social constellations. I made a small playlist on YouTube so here it is.

Alibi (3A.M.) - Empara Mi
I wrote about this feeling before, in this post from 2015, the feeling of freedom brought on by the sword.

Attention - Charlie Puth
Just another proof that pop does not need to be stupid.

Awful things - Lil Peep
I never heard of Lil Peep before he was dead. I got sent Benz truck by a friend and I was intrigued by ASMR voice and nauseating bass overtone so I listened to more of his work. Awful things speak to me, like only memories can.

Bathwater - Weslee
I'm usually pretty cold to female vocals but this song took my heart as soon as I heard it.

Cold - Maroon5 ft. Future
It's never about the milk.

Frend - Kukus Klan
Kukus Klan are still the biggest inspiration to my musical growth and understanding.

Made In China (Prod. Richie Souf) - Higher Brothers x Famous Dex
Made in China is just an example as they have A LOT of awesome works and I consider Higher brothers my absolutely favorite and most influential catch this year.

In the middle - Dodie
I visited London in June 2017. It was a business trip and I had some meetings, extremely important and stress inducing meetings... but weather was beautiful and I allowed myself to be smart and prepared and, rather than being dumbstruck and overwhelmed, I enjoyed every minute of the visit. I'd like to think it gave me perspective and whole new appreciation of the British scene, blogger-writer-youtuber-foodie-human scene. So when I returned I found Dodie and I'm including this fresh video entry. Song topic is just an added bonus.

Mesmerizing burden - Rens Argoa
New Rens Argoa album Luciferin is an awesome piece of art, just like I got used to expect from them. It is great to hear it for the first time and grows even better with each repetition.

More Than Just Memes - Elliot Explicit
Elliot Gough, playwright, director and YouTube creator, who is incidentally also TomSka's editor for awesome Darksquidge series Last Week, made this smart retro-feel meme collection song as a part of guest week. This song is a brilliant collection of millennial internet lore as well as a cunning earworm, but it may also prove to be a most expensive joke one could play on one's self since it is a direct nietzche-esque gaze into the abyss of vacuous crap that popular culture is.

Ordinary Life - The Weeknd
Album Starboy has no filler and it is a bomb. I chose this song for best of because my heart breaks every time I hear it.

Thief - Ansel Elgort
I wrote about Thief in my previous post here.

Thief

It was Saturday, first half of February, when I first heard Thief.

I was alone in my car, running some errands, as offspringess was with her father
and I was listening to Saturday morning scheme on YammatFM
when Thief started.

Everything stopped.

I was standing at the traffic light behind Vrapče train station when the piano beginning rolled slowly into cool winter morning and synthy rhythm line swished katana-esque through my innards.
I parked just down the street and scribbled a note into my phone:
"Skin on my skin, what a wonderful sin"
as I listened to the song intently, with movie scene from the lyrics flickering inside my inner eye
then went about my business.

When I came home I googled the words and then sat in awe in front of my PC watching the official video.

Magic.




I love everything about this song;
wonky, emotion-tugging, youthful choice of words
as if speaking from the teenage pit of darkness
with always blurred into forever.

I've been living in the darkness
Shadows in my apartment, heartless
Taking love just to spill it on parchment
Next page and I'm out again
I've been living in the night life
Lips hit you like a drive by, frost bite
Ice cold, I mean they cut you like a sharp knife
Next page and I'm out again

I love the cinematic, short visual sentence style
with crisp and simple musical background
resulting in just perfect, soul-splitting delivery.

Skin on my skin, what a wonderful sin
Take your breath but you're asking for more
The tip of my finger is tracing your figure
I say good night and walk out the door

I may, of course, be partial to mr. Elgort's cause
and to nonexplicit, romanticized, relatable presentation of innately explicit disdainful motif
as I myself more often than not feel thievish in matters of carnal connections
but even with this bias counted in this is just the loveliest, earth-shatteringly beautiful picture of a person torn by intrapersonal guilt trying to dispose of responsibility reins.

We can be so hollow
Like my rib cage, the echoes follow
Follow me like the fears I swallow
And drown in all my mistakes
All I know is if my skin bled
Like the ink dripped from my pen
My bed will be drenched in a scarlet rose red
And drown in all my mistakes

I would be willing to bet my life that Mr. Elgort is nothing like the protagonist
but he and the rest of the team wrote an awesome song
and his brother directed and edited an awesome retro-feel video
featuring Ansel and his long-time partner
and it is just a perfect piece of art,
one that depicts life just as smoothly and vividly as the experience does.

Sarariman

Went out Saturday night.

My usual scheme these days is:

- to attend some event purposely

- not to ask for company for specific attendance but to go alone

- to come just before the event, to minimize idleness (also mingling)

- to have just 1-2 drinks while there

- to leave as soon as the event ends

Yes, it is just as cautious as it sounds.

I’d rather err on the side of caution than on the side of having to explain my unwillingness to share.

Not that I mind explaining, it is just people being offended by explanations.

But Saturday night bucked

so I got summoned

to share some drinks and some words

before everything I had planned

so I idled

and I drank

and felt just like sarariman let loose from his noose

and it felt fuckin’ great.

I’m truly sure I was a pain in the butt

But it felt as good AF

And it took me two days to come to

Since being in venues that allow smoking gives me the worst hangover

THE WorsT

But it freed me from myself

And from this overbearing need to control

Everything.

Dream poke

Part 3 of TBD

So what about much younger, extremely attractive, formally dressed man from my dream?

Well, to my knowledge I do not have preference to:

- younger - as no age gap can compensate for lack of common ground

- extremely attractive - as I often find most interesting brains in quite inconspicuous vessels

- formally dressed - as formal attire usually signals conformist restriction

- man - as interesting minds are being carried around in various-gendered cases, engulfed in various-gender-role beliefs

So with whom has my dream connected me?

It is not someone unattainable (as I do not seem to have trouble connecting with that demographics), it is the sum of specifications that are bound to get my attention because I would just not consider them together.

So, my curiosity is piqued. What now?

Truly solo

Part 2 of TBD

So, what does my vibrant dream have in common with reality?

Honestly, not much.

It's almost two years now for me being truly single. Not hunting and not nursing some sadness and licking my wounds. Last person I had some noteworthy connection with was the guy from few posts below and I have also documented the finality of the decree here on the blog when the connection ended.

I remember speaking with him about this at that time, about me believing that I will go solo for a while now, and I remember it because it was a funny and strange conversation, one with me defending not myself from accusations but rather defending the premise of happiness of soloism.

I was not truly solo from when I was six.

Recurring dream

Uncannily similar fashion statement found on http://www.ownonly.com/product/763-solid-purple-oxford-shirt

Part 1 of TBD

Lately, I have this recurring dream
that I'm paired up with a much younger man.

It begun few months ago and the dream was so vibrant I had to write it down:  

I had a dream that I am married to a much younger, extremely attractive man. 

We live together but - as it is the rule and not an exception for a very long time already - I am clearly completely ignoring him. At times, in the comfort of my own mind, I admire his beauty and, when lifting my head from some imminent task, I catch him watching me across the room, half longingly and half disapprovingly. Day turns into another day and at long last we find ourselves brought quite close to each other following some unknown chain of events. He is beautiful, gracious and extremely well dressed; wearing beige formal pants and pale purple shirt. 

I'm standing next to him, looking straight at his face and I'm asking: 

"Are you moving out?", 

and he shakes his head, looks at me defiantly, with a smile, and snuggles closer to me.