Beast of burden

There are only so many things I can imagine myself saying to the person I loved at some point and most of them consist of: "good bye, good luck, take care, I wish things turned out less stressful" and such. When unreasonably and deviously provoked I tend to resolve things peacefuly to a point and then I just fall through and stupidly insult. And instantly I feel bad about that and am angry with myself because that just isn't what I think. As a matter of fact I realize the ruse in provocation directed at proving (unflattering and hurtful) expectations. I understand how that would be consistency-strenghtening strategy and how this is beneficial to persons' psychological well-being but nevetheless I do not understand how can this be preferable to admiting that relationships change and allthough changes aren't always pleasant we could aspire to be. There will be better fits for all of us and hate and disrespect only produce more of hate and disrespect. The only person that will most definitely be with us forever is our own self. Any and all others are optional. So why to burden one's self with hate?

... and then, Not-So-Warm-December

Temperature plummeted and - lo and behold - we got a white blanket here in Zagreb. I really, really dislike snow and how much it cramps up my style but it sure looks pretty.

Warm December

Zagreb was so beautiful today. I am ill and have taken some sick leave so I feel less receptive for the beauty of the world, but Zagreb was so beautiful today. It was raining a bit in the morning and there was some wind pushing the clouds to and fro and it was beautiful. I went out to my front yard and it smelled sweet, moist, earthy and alive. My willow was full of fresh leaves and the grass looked as if it is already early spring.

My House

I watch House when I am unwell. It soothes me and stops me from making rash and irreversible decisions. There are moments in which I feel I am not going to make it and watching House somehow buffers that feeling and makes me more patient, more resilient. It is not really the show that helps me - it is the notion that somewhere out there may be people understanding and going through the same shit... Same exotic and hard to explain shit.

I have been reading Laozi's The Tao Teh King lately and it also seems to help.

As I see it and also as Laozi has seen it, so it seems, there is a very fine line between to help and to hinder, release to freedom and tear asunder...and that fine line not being a line at all but a mirage, a rock, an omnipresence.

Abroad Experiment This Saturday at Rock Club Time in Zagreb

Hoping to widen Abroad Experiments fan base outside of Croatia, I have decided to translate/reinterpret this promotional post from my "domestic blog". So, without further ado; if you find yourself in Zagreb this weekend do not miss ABROAD EXPERIMENTS concert on Saturday, November 28^th at Rock Club Time, Samoborska 32, starting at 10 PM. Included in the price of ticket of 20 Kuna (about 3 euro) there will be beer at the bar and also a chance to feel good about yourself because you would be helping Abroad Experiments to raise the money needed for mastering of their upcoming album Meadows Of A Grand Design.

While wanting to introduce Abroad Experiments to wider public I found myself in need of more information than I could find online so I approached them with the request for short interview. My request was soon graciously granted by Marko, band drummer and spokesperson for this opportunity, fact that certainly does not raise any 'brows ... drummers being the paramount of musical aptitude both in this world and universe parameters*.

DF: Who are Abroad Experiments?

AE: That's us; Beli, Marko, Mak and Stale (Zucker kommt zu letszt). Abroad Experiments are guys that met each other on the hungg.com webpage and found out that they have something in common... and that being making music.

Beli - semiprofessional bass player

Marko - full time dad, unemployed and occasional percussionist

Mak - Ivan Makovec Maki Johann Sebastian Mack. Full time Marko’s best man, part time permanent student on FFZG (Faculty of Philosophy in Zagreb), part time guitar player and full time Abroad Experiments frontman

Stale- Dan Staxxx Stinky Finger, part time director, full time abroad Experiments lyricist, the only straight gay in the band

DF: How was the band named? Who conceived so becoming visual identity of the band (and I mean this cute ea sign and general look of official web pages)?

AE: The name was not given, it was always there. Cute logo came to Marko one fateful evening when he pondered upon conjunction of A and E. Official pages are under construction.

DF: How long are you a band? Why?

AE: The band came into existence in 2005. We gathered together for.. making music I guess... Mostly we got together because of sex, drugs and rock'n'roll! And, of course, the money we managed to earn until now (the purpose of our getting together was to make profitable music - sellable music - what can be heard in our work! (laughing)

DF: Do you have more musical endeavors? And how about non-musical ones?

AE: Our drummer is a music prostitute, playing in every other Zagreb-based band, Beli is Jura Stublic's favorite bass player, Mak is an artist philosophical in nature and Stale... (?)

DF: Who is the driving force of the band? Who contributes ideas?

AE: MONEY!!!

DF: What were you doing up until now? Where have you played music? What did you find most endearing/most despicable/ most interesting?

AE: Some of us made babies, some tried to make babies, some were attending college, some tried to attend college, some were part of celebrity world, some attempted to be part of celebrity world, some involved in prostitution, others also, waited tables, washed cars, delivered burek (filo pastry stuffed with minced meat), done hotel information systems setup, karated all Europeans, worked in warehouses, sold music gear (and sometimes canned fog), brought illegally first MMS mobile phones to Croatia, sell advertising space on the Internet (and didn't leave any for ourselves), been instructed and instructed others, threw up and lived abroad...

We played all over the place; from Urban fest in Osijek in 2005., gigs in Sisak, Pregrada, Zagreb, Velika Gorica, Istria, Pag, Knin, Dubrovnik, Rijeka to London, Hodokvas and Slovakian Television (youtube link here)

Most endearing: When Beli left band

Most despicable: when Beli returned to band

Most interesting: when we nearly won 100000$ in England (in band competition lottery) and Vatra's female keyboard player.

Mostly... we like to spend time in vans together...

DF: Hodokvas?

AE: It is festival in Slovakia. We HAD NOT got to perform at Hodokvas through shady connections and our act was supported by minor bands like Korn, Placebo, Machine Head, Joey Ramone, Nomeansno, Iggy Pop, Living Colour and Presidents of the USA (for non-believers we have a T-shirt for proof - smallest lettering being reserved for headliners :-)

DF: What happened on your campaign to English contests that are referred to in concert announcements on Croatian web portals?

AE: We lost. But participation is the thing that counts. (laughter)

DF: Meadows of a grand design - album concept? Why is it named like that?

AE: Life, love, politics, religion... everything that a person thinks of or is surrounded with. Everything that matters... to someone, or someone else... in his own world... meadows, levels, parts of life...

DF: Could it be that I heard Mak singing Easy on Halloween Combustion Party finale? Hot damn!, that was supersupersuper!!!

AE: It is true, it really is true! Mak is really Patton’s lost child (for all of you who weren’t aware of that). At least that's what Billy Gould told us in Bratislava; "Your singer looks like Mike, dude!"

DF: So, why is it necessary to fall in love with Stale and what does chick-factor say in regards?

AE: Stale is such a good boy, and oh so innocent...

DF: Foreword in the end?

AE: Abroad Experiments do not guarantee truthfulness of viewpoints shown here - you can find the real interview in next Gloria (Croatian celebrity/lifestyle magazine). All rights reserved ... with the left hand.

X X X

Of course, how we live in the times of electronic (virtual seems just too... virtual) socializing please do share this Facebook link (http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/event.php?eid=171006046767&ref=mf) with all of your friends and come to Time to Saturday gig.

Until then you can listen to Abroad Experiments from their MySpace profile, all in the effort of learning their lyrics for the concert (sinful pleasures 1-0-1)

S Tax

I've been listening to Porcupine Tree's She's moved on whole week and have been pondering on not completely unrelated note; how do people get stuck? On idea? On a person? On a (disfunctional) relationship? I often see things like that happening. I do acknowledge appearances of those situations. I could dismantle such a situation down to its possible components and make it look plausible... but I still feel that I do not understand how people get stuck and justify that situation to themselves. I mean; the only permanent thing in the world is change and that is only natural. We can all aspire to and succed in making this change customized, user-friendlier and more palatable. So why do we get stuck?

Early snow

Through my skylight I see crow circling overhead blinded by wet fluffy pads of whiteness. It is too warm inside, I yearn for brisk walk and smell of roasted chestnuts.

Richmond Fontaine and Stendhal syndrome at KSET

Back when I finished high school and started working on my first job my best friend and I used to go out to a club in downtown Zagreb. She liked a guy who frequented there so we hanged there too, conversing and hoping he would make an appearance, even a short one, so she would take one look at him and her mission would be fulfilled for that day. As I gathered she was hopelessly in love with that guy, yet she was not trying to meet him, or to approach him in any way other than watching him from a distance. That was quite uncommon for her as she usually is pretty straightforward about issues of the heart but I allowed for her space, not prying into something she was not ready to divulge.

So, days went by...

One evening we walked into our club and there he was, talking to a friend of ours we were coming to meet. We approached their table and our friend started to introduce us. She only got as far as him saying his name and grasping her hand to shake it when she short circuited... just stood there, opening and closing her mouth without any words coming out, panic-stricken and watery-eyed... overwhelmed. Really overwhelmed.

It was a scene most peculiar and fascinating, scene so unexpected outside of stories that it etched itself to my mind with holographic acuity.

And time went by...


X X X


I went to Richmond Fontaine concert on Thursday at KSET. I had that on my itinerary for as long as it was first announced, and wished for it even longer and it was really worth the wait.

Opening act were Eileen Rose and The Holy Wreck and they were warm, energetic and wonderful. Part of Eileen Rose's Holy Wreck crew is Joshua Hedley who just self-released his Green Eyes EP. During the concert he sang cover of Jagger/Richards song "Dead Flowers" so yearningly and beautifully that it defies my description efforts. Now that I have listened through his EP for a few times I can say that all his material is equally good and has that lovely quality that listening to it feels like a personal concert - acoustic and intimate - almost as if you could speak to him in between songs.

And then comes Richmond Fontaine...


...and it was surprise after surprise for me.

It is so weird and so exquisite to be proven wrong in your expectations as there is so little that offers any genuine surprise nowadays. As soon as RF started to play I started to suspect that special treat is afoot.

I really love their music and I hardly ever took their albums from my car last few months (that is where I do most of my music listening now) but they sound entirely different live than on the albums. So much more vibrant, post-rock-ish, almost progressive. Fascinating. Songs were vivified in so much more substantial, firmer and richer musical form that it completely left me in awe. For me it is always magical to see musicians, band members, enter a state of perfect unison and proficiency that their act resembles a collection of puzzles falling into place and that magic was clearly present in this concert.

And it was only during encore that I managed to gather enough composure to remember to record a bit of their act. It is dark, and fuzzy, and as much as I love multifunctionality of my mobile phone - recording in the dark is not one of his strong points - but, here it is; Richmond Fontaine on KSET stage in Zagreb 22/Oct/2009:



The Earth stood still when they were performing their last song of the evening and then they stopped and Dan came off stage and straight to me and said "I've noticed you recording the concert, are you going to upload it to you tube or something?" and this is where the upper, seemingly unconnected part kicks in. For a brief moment all of that holographic memory traits flooded in and I just stood there, panic-stricken and opening my mouth with no words coming out. And then old habit nudged me in the back saying that Time waits for no man (or in this case overwhelmed females) and it is move it or lose it for me now - so I moved and finished our conversation, and met Dan and Willy, and am more pleased now then a pig in a puddle.

And lastly, on completely different note, I've noticed that none of their promo pictures do them justice in regards of their appearance. In person they are really really much more handsome and warm, approachable-looking and nice and it is a great pleasure for me that I had an opportunity to meet them.

Thank you guys for this great concert, and I'm looking forward to next time you come around!

January

I'm watching Mad Men (show that I do not usually watch) right now and there are husband and wife arguing and shoving each other right now. They are both overworked and frustrated, the screen oozes contempt and impotent, empty rage. I know that quiet feeling of despair. I know it, because that was me not long time ago. Desperate. Despondent. Given up. People sometimes say: "It spiraled out of control." Well, that was not it. It did spiral, but not out of control. It spiraled, like NIN album title says "downward spiral". It flowed, steadily and pertinently from caring and comunicating towards silence and scorn, sadly, not opening new questions and discovering doubts but unearthing rifts that were already there... that were always there.

Autumn city lights

I love Zagreb autumn. Seldom too wet, always fragnant and softly lighted. There is special aura of momentum building specific for after-vacation period, momentum of pending fun, of multitude of experiences, of heaps of autumn concerts.

Lemon Bird

I photographed this funny fella on my terrace few days ago. He had an indentifier ring on his ankle so I suppose he pulled a runner from somewhere to be photographed on my terrace. We gave him some seeds and he took some breadcrumbs and he was off to the next adventure.

Conversation Hook

I was taking my princess shopping for some new clothes and commodities yesterday when we came across this cute package of crochet hooks. 6 hooks for 7 kuna (about 1,3 USD). I was looking for something like this for a long time now, since I have such tight crocheting grip that I usually break partly plastic ones. I even made small trial piece to see if the hooks are going to damage the fiber but it went really well. Now I'm going to dream patterns for nights - untill I make time for some fine crocheting (biggest hook in package is 2mm)

IX. Zagreb Aero Meeting

This year Aero Club Zagreb has 85 years. My offspringess and I went today to its bitrhday party to see how they roll. And fly. And skydive. And party. It was very educational and well organized and I am really glad that we decided to go. Also, beside nasty sideward gusts of wind that annoyed the performers of todays show, the weather was really great, warm and scented with Eau the ending summer.

Fishy sense of pretense

Took this picture of new addition to our family few hours ago. I wonder if this is the way we all see the world from our own personal space - as a place where we are never seen as a whole and in which we always appear horribly disfigured no matter how well adjusted to it we are.

“People want to forget the impossible. It makes their world safer.“

I have just read Neil Gaiman's "The Graveyard Book" and my face is still wet with tears and there is still silent void in pit of my stomach. The time to part with fears has come and this is just another sign, as many others that have preceded it. But this sign is clear and burns like a lighthouse beam. This sign is not here to show me IF, it is here to show me HOW.

Question of trust

This is my cat. His name is Constructor. As a kitten he was found abandoned on one construction site. He was hungry, dirty and half frozen. We took him in and tried to spoil him rotten but it did not work. He always seems so grateful, so moderate. I cannot help but wonder how clever his strategy really is; does this gratefulness really stem from respect or does it actually show inability to accept kindness of the world around him... We're not really talking about a cat anymore, surely you know that.

Sometimes

Sometimes, there are monsters in the night. Sometimes, we are that monsters.

Blog Day 2009

As some of you maybe already suspect, I am an avid blog reader and there are new discoveries happening every day in my world of sticking-my-nose-into-another-people's-business. So, competition for top five is cutthroat, by all means imaginable. And this years selection of the blogs I want you to visit and worship is following:

davaidavai

Some of you maybe remember this "Brilliantly intelligent, stunningly cool guy." from my Blog Day post last year (others can refresh their memory here). In the meantime, Gerald has only become more focused and determined which, in turn, I'd say betters this e-world by adding more of his wit into it. As you may come to notice davaidavai is also a window into great world of internet socializing and exchange of ideas through other social networking services like twitter, facebook and the such.

Crazy Aunt Purl

It must have been divine providence, me finding her blog in times like these. Funny, eloquent and approachable, southernness living in LA, always fresh and inspiring. And also, she knits! What more can a person ask for from a caretaker deity.... Or famous selp-help book author :-)

MOONSTITCHES

Brilliant photographer and even better craftswoman, this wife and mother transplanted from Germany to Japan always makes me want to strive for more, for better, for nicer. She also has great Flickr gallery that I immensely enjoy visiting.

LUNDOV PARKIĆ

Fun guy that I also had pleasure of meeting in person. Has uncanny ability to open shortcuts into my subconscious sharing his playfulness and weird insight what most often feels like poking my flaws with a sharp stick. I love it.

MUSE-INK

My absolutely favorite music blog. Also one of the most beautiful and functionally built WebPages, and last but not least - another window into social networking scene.

Research note - EOS

There may come a time to compare notes and to recheck findings. If that time indeed comes I want this to be documented: "It is my opinion that this is a mistake on your part. This will be the candle on the cake of your indecisiveness. Rareness that I spoke of was grossly missrepresented on my part - acceptance of both advantages and vices one person harbors is incredibly rare if partner indeed acknowledges their existance, as it was the case here. Some conditions you cannot replace, cannot replicate. I hope I would be wrong and I wish you good luck. Thank you for everything. It was fun and I enjoyed this very much. Although I am not surprised by course the events took, I am greatly saddened by it. Goodbye. Take care."

Rain

I am no good at waiting. I didn't used to be good at waiting. I'm getting better by the second. I'll take the lining silver and build myself some stairs.

Leopardi was damn right

I am very sad tonight.
From time to time, world seems to bend over backwards to show me that it is disgusting and sordid place populated with equally repugnant miscreatens.
And it looks like that every time this happens, my belief in statistical distributions of traits falters and this saddens me because it seems that I'll have to admit that there's only so much I can reinterpret as statistical flukes.

Camping site

Some places just call out for stoping to smell the roses, just like this one has obviously called out Mr. Yellow Snail. In golden light of the morning this again proved as wonderfull choice.

2:42 AM

Awoken from betrayal in movie-like quality. Forever banned from saying: 'I'm sorry.'

Kismet

As I was taking a breather outside of my hectic workplace this two guys were running their own errands. Funny, though, that they met so perfectly in front of my camera, conversing in Antish, for a brief moment acknowledging the intertwining of concepts for me. So I went back in and gave Hofstadter's "Prelude...Ant Fugue" another read-through. It indeed is a fine piece of reading and I'm really glad we found each other :-)

Tasty treats

As it turned out, some tasty blackberries spent time of our absence rippening to perfect sweetnes. They just left us no choice but to honor their effort by enjoying that succulent goodness while tinkering with ideas and revisiting the notion how that wonderfull slowing-down contraption from Red Planet resembled their semblance.

Sunflower home

The trip went well. We traveled up the 'old road'; through empty villages and quaint towns vivified by current holiday. We ate our sandwiches in colourless, odorless air of Plitvicka jezera and then rolled down to our precious Zagreb. Sunflowers of our yard welcomed us happily back.

Last impressions

It is our last day on Murter. We made our rounds to all nooks and crannies found. We waved our goodbyes to sea urchins and fig trees and in the morning we leave for Zagreb.

School for lizards

This turned out to be a real vacation, with both relaxation and work appropriately represented in our day. While my daughter is building a school for lizards, lacy part of my cardigan is growing row by row.

Snail morning

Awoken too early by the sound of raindrops, we walked into the morning in pace entirely different from his. This wonderful creature posed happily for us while sun was creeping out from behind the clouds.

My secretive friend

Vibrant with colour, this peculiar creature showed us just how well adjusted a predator could be.

Through the bushes

A bit of exploring to find new paths to the beach. Not too hot and excitingly green. I love seeing just a hint of seashore over tops of olive trees; just one whiff of salt in the air, just few sails in a distance, bit of laziness crossing the street. Fig tree looming over street corner.

Handmade Stichmarkers

This lovely garment I've been working on is coming along quite nicely. I'm not usually much of an outdoorsman but knitting under an olive tree has been surprisingly relaxing. Pink stichmarker in the photo is from my first handmade stichmarker set. Fimo and silver wire, along with some tiny beads, and a bit of persistence because making them requires some delicate twisting and binding.

Biograd ferry port

Very barren. Waiting for my offspring to come over from Tkon I was thinking how this place was like a empty canvas, yet it is very appropriate for it to be empty. Marina on one side, tour boats on the other. Middle ground as a place to rest eyes on the barrenness.

Rastoke

Slunjcica waterfalls in Rastoke.

Mobtest

There should be easier way for this. How about finally discovering that plug-in brain implant?

Clay Penguin

It is time for repentance
Comfortably wedged between searching and enacting.
It is time for repugnance,
For redundant celebration of distaste.
It is time for a reprobate
To earn its keep in silver.

Diamond

Today, world is like a diamond: beautiful, hard, expensive and misused.


* * *


Only spilled bile in a cage of ribs.

Letter

I'm writing...

There is snow outside and my nook is warm and fragrant. Using wattles and clay I enclosed my cave, arranged fireplace in such way that the smoke would not accumulate indoors, using driftwood I set up tiles and shelves for crops. A gaze of my hoard fills me with bliss. Cauldron gently squeals hanging over the fireplace, porridge with herbs smells divine.

I was busy.

I kept myself busy so I wouldn't think. About you. But it is not working any more.