Chosen

Yesterday I went on a trip with colleagues from work
and we spent the day on a horse ranch
mingling and playing and socializing.

Since I see that much of the business relationship is sadly based on interpersonal relationships
and that those who are unwilling to share personal are subsequently left out of the business
I felt I should be there and demonstrate my compliance with established practice.
It sounds worse than it is;
I do not actually mind the practice. It just it is how it is and the way it is is completely normal part of behavior of social species. Me being part of the less social spectrum and
being aware of it
leaves me the posibility to use this situation as well as to avoid it -
So yesterday I was using it.

It was not unpleasant and I had a good time.
There were lot of educational opportunities and I hardly took out my phone or had to entertain myself with solitary activities.
I even played voleyball (which speaks volumes considering my deeply ingrained need not to do team sports)
and I rode a horse, even though I was not really planning for it
(lol this progressive relaxation really is paying off)

Something interesting happened.

I did not ride a horse ever before.
I am of the opinion that such a big and smart animal requires time to build relationship with
so since horses, or should I say "spending time with horses" is expensive
and I have no money to spare
I do not usually waste their time or mine by dabbling.
But yesterday we have already paid for our time so I felt I should add new experience to my experience archive
so
I went and joined the line we were standing in to try to ride.
Two by two people rode at the time, on two very calm horses, by being walked by hosts in the corral pictured above.
It seemed like undemanding, well trained and pretty boring task for the horses
to connect this to stuff mentioned above
it seemed like a relationship-less task.

Yet I stand surprised, humbled and more than a little perplexed now.

As the line was moving and I got to top of the line
people were still riding
but as I entered the corral
the horse approached me and fully stopped
the rider was surprised and so was I
and the host, who walked the horse for us to ride them said:
He chooses her.
(Say what?!)

The horse chooses her (me?!).

The person riding slipped down from the saddle and I, very surprised and nonplussed, eventually got up.We made a few rounds
and I quite enjoyed the feeling and the experience
but it also left me quite perturbed
as it brought right to the top just how much untrusting I have become.

The Solace Pill

"That day, slow and warm, a beam of sunlight caught in honey."

Sometimes I fall in love with a book so strongly I just don’t want the reading to end. Ever.

…And yet it feels so sweet to thread through the pain of the last page and into the sea of appraising complete work afterwards, arranging opinions, weighing impressions, cataloging new entry in great library of my mind.

I really, really loved The Solace Pill Trilogy (omnibus edition containing Solace Inc, Solace End and Preparation 162) by Jason Werbeloff.

Original book cover taken from Smashwords book page.

I found my way to it through weekly NoiseTrade newsletter and I loved cover illustration so I downloaded the book. I started to read it on my iPhone (I find MegaReader app excellent for some reading on the go) and I instantly got enamored with the story so this mode of reading fast, short hits resisted transition to bigger screen for a long time and only when I entered Preparation 162 I decided to ingest the rest of the book in one final big gulp.

It is truly a wonderful idea, this choice of term solace pill. In a time already battling heightened stress conditions and dawn of #firstworldproblems concept this interplay of identity topics with sociological and psychological issues involved is both fascinating and food for the mind. Since science fiction is my favorite genre it is not that I did not encounter transportation/cloning identity issues before but the elegance with which the author Jason Werbeloff had resolved some of opened questions is absolutely endearing and gives this topic fresh look and feel of originality.

What I liked most?

I loved how the author gives us enough details about characters so we can remember their names and put their stories in context but not enough to make us distort the story so we can empathize.

I loved how relationships between characters are straightforward, showing genuine, visceral feel of human motivation. Not all behavior is rationally explainable when it happens and narratives are often chosen post festum, to justify rather than describe.

I enjoyed George and Kora storyline most, its dirty and unsophisticated veneer and rich and personal multitude of difficult questions beneath the surface. Being that personal relationships are always in center of my attention, both as a player of the game and as a psychologist specifically keen to research personal relationships I enjoyed gritty and down to earth process author decided to use for this particular dyad, making it a perfect small-scale example of every topic of the book; from identity to emotion, autonomy to dependence, from personal to social.



This is one wonderful story and I warmly recommend not only reading it but also reading it mindfully and thinking about happenings inside; inside the book and inside your own mind and inside the society present here and now - society already pregnant with solace pill seed.

* Book Review also on my Goodreads page here

Pistolrays and Eke Buba @Attack! 05Jul2012

I last saw Pistolrays at Tvornica 17Sep2011 opening for Threesome and at that occasion the only complaint I had on their act is that they weren't comfortable enough playing before an audience. That has changed now.

Pistolrays I saw on Thursday were different band alltogether preformance-wise. They were confident, relaxed, persuasive, passionate. They played through their set-list with vigor and tangible pleasure of performing, conversed with crowd and gave themselves fully to their craft. It was wonderful to listen to them play, and on a different notice - to see them play as they have the cutest and most feverishly energetic drummer I've seen in a loooong while. It seems I always end up typing about drummers but it was purely rapturous to watch him do his work as there seems to be unquenchable curiosity and overzealous abundance of life inside the vessel of his body

After the show, which flied by in an saddening instant as I could have watched and listened to them much, much more - and that sentiment was shared with many more form the audience - they sold physical copies of their EP "Moon Riot" and I treated myself with a copy. Same EP can be downloaded from their bandcamp pages for free but please consider donating because making music takes time and money and this is indeed one fine piece of music.

Some 15 minutes later, Eke Buba were on stage.

This was my first encounter with energetic Zagreb trio playing old-school rock n' roll.

They are very young and this is the first thing that catches attention because their on-stage behavior epithomises RNR youth. With confidence unparallel with performance they either raise symphaties or antagonize in an instant. Bold and overbearing, it is good they surfed on Pistolrays wave and I am curious to see how this would fare in less favorable circumstances.

Evening was continued socializing and I must say this was one of most relaxed and sociable crowds I ever saw in Attack! and it seems we should also thank Pistolrays boys for this as they mingled, smiled and interconnected vast group into big cuddly mush of friends. I loved this. Can't wait to see them again.

MOCP Day 25 - When You Craft

I work nine to five, 25 km from home.

I am divorced single parent to first-grader who brings homework every day.

I craft when I have time; at night, after work, after homework check, after workout session and after everything is prepared for school, bed made and tomorrow's lunch planned I sit in bed and talk with my offspringess about a movie or anime episode we are currently watching and I craft.

During my lunch-break I sometimes have time to search for a project or information to include into project I already have in my mind. In my mind, I craft all the time, because I have so little time to actually work on things I have to have good head-start.

On weekends I sometimes carry my knitting with me to social gatherings but there are not many people who tolerate knitting on social gatherings.

Ducks

I took my car to service shop in the morning and when my offspringess and I left the shop leaving the car there for repairs we found out that there is a small creek jam-packed with ducks just around the corner. There were dosens of wild ducks there and it is just across the railway from one of busiest streets in town. We watched them for a while taking pictures and throwing breadcrumbs and they cautiously watched us from a distance. I liked their cautiousness as it definitely adds to the impression that they really are wild animals, not accustomed to feeding and presence of people. I'm always so shocked to see how many things, how many inaproppriate things people unjustifiably let be taken for granted and let get forgotten how things that started as clearly priviledges come to be taken for granted and considered earned and deserved.

Landscape

As probably very few of you will recognize, the landscape in the photo is cg landscape from Septerra Core: Legacy of The Creator game. I am playing it now with my offspringess and we're contemplating concepts of religion, military, class and distance. It seems she likes it and so do I, showing her places and introducing her to people just like I would in the'real world'. It could be argued that people are a bit one-dimensional compared to real counterparts but actually it stands true quite a bit less that one would imagine. Yes, we all have an opportunity to look and regard our neighbors and friends from many perspectives but the truth is we usually don't. People stay just as one-dimensional to us in the real world as they are in games. Additionally, most screenwriters do add obvious notes about character motives and emotions into games, and that... that is the fact we're most commonly disregarding and are failing to acknowledge in life characters.

Hellebore

Few days ago I met my friend for coffee after work and we had coffee and talked and laughed. And it felt right, and familiar and homely and in the same time it felt like we're doing this for the first time. We're really adults now - with careers and divorces and parenting and cancers. I see and listen to unhappy, empty people, full of grief and bitteness that they grew older almost every day and I cannot relate to that. I cannot relate to life so detached from the moment it is happening in. I love us being adults. I loved us being adolescents. I loved us being children. It all has meaning and weight and beauty, not just as the way of us getting here to present time but as a road and building blocks and feelings and skills. She told me that she's happy to see me again... to see ME again since she has not seen me for awhile as the disruption of my life by lousy marriage turned me into something unrecognizable. And now I'm back, she says.

Divorce papers are here!

I got my divorce and child custody papers in the mail on friday. Sadness mixed with ecstatic joy that this formal part is finally over. I honestly never thought that the person I married will be so adamant not to agree about anything (both before and after the split). I still remember how we met, how we (seemed to) got to know each other, how small synchronicities propelled us into passionate love and children/marriage plans. I used to be so pleased with finding such fitting partner and afterward so torn with anguish I had let myself be duped by clever sweet-talker. But I'm not sorry I gave it a go and I'm not sorry for investing myself in this relationship even if it didn't work out as I expected it to. And also I am not sorry this marriage is over because nothing in it worked.

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday evening we were returning from great Giant Sand concert and we were driving home, excited and tired and happy, exchanging impressions and giggling and sighing and yawning and in one sudden moment of silence my friend who was driving said: 'And the guy who got sacked due to recession downsizing and had his last day in the firm today, I could talk to him about music.'. It was so seemingly unconnected that the rest of us remained silent and he continued:'There is nobody left in the firm that I could carry on decent discussion about music with.'. As we drove in silence for minutes after that confession I thought how horrible this is - not the notion that there isn't anyone in your workplace that you connect to, or share an interest with - but the fact that there is Me on one side and the World on the other. That there are times we lose worthy conversationalists to flukes of (mis)fortune. And lastly, how terrifying it is to know that there are people feeling like this every day, permanently disconnected, barren to nonexistence, broken.

Where We Come From

I often repeat, both here in my secret corner and in my non-electronic lamentations, that there is beauty in everything. Like this here sun and the sky and the 'skyscraper' outline in yesterdays photo. Not only do I say that, I actually mean it after I have considered the fact I might be 'full of it' as they say. I am also just coming to terms with realization that not everyone has the same luxury of being able to consider one owns' truthfulness in front of ones' self. I have just watched House MD S06E19 and the question lingers in the air; interpretations being our facts and our facts being maps we steer our life by are there really wrong choices at all?

Lake Placid

On Monday I read David's Raptitude post "Never forget your rights" which is beautiful, concise and idealistic and on Tuesday I met a guy who preaches this atittude in day-to-day practical issues. It was wonderful and heartbreaking to watch him speak, sharp as a razor yet reducing efficiency to absurdity.

We are not all somehow "supposed" to be free, or intelligent, or capable, or verbal, or anything. We can or cannot be those things but we are not supposed to be one way or the other.

Oogvay says: "Ah, Shifu. There is just news. There is no good or bad."

Nietzsche says: "There are no facts, just interpretations."

Sometimes every person wants to believe (some more than others) that there is benignity, wisdom and adequacy in other people but sometimes it just isn't there. Sometimes we all want to believe that the person we're talking to is hearing us and understanding what we're saying but this may be wishful thinking.

We should finally learn that we should not impel fishes to fly. Fishes may live better swimming. We may get along with fishes better if we help them to swim instead to fly.

To help others search is admirable, to help every person become the most they could be is valuable - but we should not presuppose people are meant to be what we would like them to be. Sometimes the most you can do for another person is to leave them alone. To let them be what/how THEY think they should be.

"My freedom to wave my arms around me stops at the point where your nose begins.", somebody said once.

Everyone should have the same right to be free - and not only to choose between being free or not but also to choose not to choose - to take life as it comes to them, smart and stupid alike.

Blog Day 2009

As some of you maybe already suspect, I am an avid blog reader and there are new discoveries happening every day in my world of sticking-my-nose-into-another-people's-business. So, competition for top five is cutthroat, by all means imaginable. And this years selection of the blogs I want you to visit and worship is following:

davaidavai

Some of you maybe remember this "Brilliantly intelligent, stunningly cool guy." from my Blog Day post last year (others can refresh their memory here). In the meantime, Gerald has only become more focused and determined which, in turn, I'd say betters this e-world by adding more of his wit into it. As you may come to notice davaidavai is also a window into great world of internet socializing and exchange of ideas through other social networking services like twitter, facebook and the such.

Crazy Aunt Purl

It must have been divine providence, me finding her blog in times like these. Funny, eloquent and approachable, southernness living in LA, always fresh and inspiring. And also, she knits! What more can a person ask for from a caretaker deity.... Or famous selp-help book author :-)

MOONSTITCHES

Brilliant photographer and even better craftswoman, this wife and mother transplanted from Germany to Japan always makes me want to strive for more, for better, for nicer. She also has great Flickr gallery that I immensely enjoy visiting.

LUNDOV PARKIĆ

Fun guy that I also had pleasure of meeting in person. Has uncanny ability to open shortcuts into my subconscious sharing his playfulness and weird insight what most often feels like poking my flaws with a sharp stick. I love it.

MUSE-INK

My absolutely favorite music blog. Also one of the most beautiful and functionally built WebPages, and last but not least - another window into social networking scene.

Clay Penguin

It is time for repentance
Comfortably wedged between searching and enacting.
It is time for repugnance,
For redundant celebration of distaste.
It is time for a reprobate
To earn its keep in silver.

Sad Santa

I've stumbled upon Willard Grant Conspiracy few weeks ago while listening to Richmond Fontaine radio on Last.fm and I was hooked. Did some reading, a bit more listening and finally decided to invest some time and money into attending their concert at SC last night (Dec 3rd 2008).

Quite more jazzy/bluesy than I actually expected them to be having heard their studio albums they proved to be peculiar and enchanting experience.

It was kind of like watching a living schism, paradox in flesh.

It started with watching annoyed, fat dude ambling through the stage to his chair and sitting down despondently and ended with his transubstantiation into desperate Santa stripped of his powers, fairytale creature barren to mere frame – to humane, to identifiable, to heartaching possibility of common experience – transubstantiation being fulfilled by Robert Fisher opening his mouth and singing – disturbingly, aching, wonderful.

I've listened to them stunned, my jaw hangin' open, bright-eyed and engulfed in wonder.

I've listened them make beautiful music.

Loneliness sucks

So, few days ago, I was reading an interesting article on Popsci portal about how science has proven the obvious in 2008.


One of the obviouses confirmed was that "Loneliness sucks". Information especially pointed out was the fact that there are "25 percent of Americans unable to name a trusted confidante, according to the American Sociological Review".

Wow!

25 % ?!

One in every 4 people could not bare his guts to anyone if he had the need to do so?!

Shocking perspective!

Indifference

Elie Wiesel said:

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."

This started me thinking... It sounds meaningful, but can it be true?

I have no doubts that, as much as I am concerned, it is true. I'm not afraid that I could ever in any circumstances fail the Voight-Kampff test, but I know people that could fail. Quite a lot of people like that, as a matter of fact. Does that make their life just an apparition of life, them being like that? I don't know. Other person's life, to anyone looking from the "outside", is just an apparition of life.

To Drown In Torpor

Up until few days ago I had a friend whom I liked very much. We have known each other for well over a year. He seemed to understand where I'm coming from. He seemed to care. It seemed that we get along really well, that we support and understand each other, that the world is much friendlier place when people exist who will let you lean on them for support and let you support them when and if they will need that.

I thought we get along so well because we're being entirely honest to each other.

It turned out that this was not the case.

I feel as stupid as a cabbage.

It was going so well because I was lied to the entire time.

What kind of person reckons: I will just let this whole situation tide over and than she will be so relieved and thankful that I stayed with her that she will reward my effort with being with me (regardless of our personal differences that we talked about and agreed that this would never ever work)?

Or is it just me? …. Me being too dense to acknowledge that being good to somebody actually implies that you have a hidden agenda.

I’m really not ready to believe such a thing.

Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing.*

For the longest time now, amidst the social conventions, I feel like a proverbial Martian. I don't really feel the need to affirm my every action through other people. Don't get me wrong - I'm not stating that I'm infallible - but I try to play with the cards I already have, not the ones I could have if circumstances or whatever was different. And I cannot come to terms with aforementioned non-affirmation being socially penalized just for the heck of it.

I'm painfully aware that it is the misery-loves-company rule in action, but still it seems to me that something could and should be done to rectify this course of action.

*William Butler Yeats