"There is only one greatness in life: seeing the world as it is and loving it."

Many things are happening every day - horrible, heavy things - happening in the midst of all my happiness with new place, visiting friends and re-vigoured life. There is so much going on I'm afraid I'll let something important slip by me and I'm going to make some notes here to compare them once things tide over.

I managed to help my parents return their life on track - it has been three months already and things still look very good.

One of my friends was hospitalized after botched suicide attempt that revealed many, many of things in his life have gone awry and this does not look good at all.

Another friend was nearly murdered by someone close and subsequently all kinds of horrible stuff, including rape and molestation, surfaced.

As my ex-husband is very explicitely threatening to kill me I went to report this to the police and they said that they cannot help me but they'll make a notice of me reporting this that will be useful if I decide to raise civil lawsuit against him or if he really does hurt/kill me.

Many, many things are happening.

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Some days, like yesterday, good and awful come together hand in hand. Same actions produce laughter and tears. Funny ol' world, that is. So many, many people barely coping with interpersonal relationships that they hope to make romantic in nature - so many thinking they're failing on daily bases.

Some time ago I shared some insights with a dear friend and did not think about it much at the time. But days flow by and it still resonates with my inner unease so I'll make a notice here - publicly - and I think it will make me good to do so. In this exchange of insights I said:

"I do not want these things from a lover, ones you talk about

I do not need them to carry my bags or change tires
but I do not need them for fucking either
or to bounce ideas off of them
or to affirm me
or to spend time with
or to share interests
or "to love me" because love is a thing I GIVE to someone to show them attention, and the experience of being loved is a feeling inside me - one that can be unprovoked by another person's actions

high correlation of "showing attention" from someone with "experience of love" could really mean that they love me, but it can also mean that they have good manners or that they have been trying to trick me

either way , love (toward someone) is inside me
that experience, chemistry, thoughts or emotions
are my construct
one that is easier to maintain if there is someone outside me who positively responds to my behavior
but that is neither sufficient, nor critical factor

I feel I can say that I "love all people" and "I do not love anybody"
and both of these statements are equal in value

Up until now I have loved men and women I dated in many ways and I have showed them my love in many ways
but if I would have to sum up most important bits - the reasons I engage in relationships at all - I think that would be:

1. because they have some excitement in their personality/behavior/coping that intrigues me
2. because I think they can teach me something
3. because I want to do things for them - from carrying bricks to cooking lunches or directing their lives (psychological category - it seems spending time with me cristalizes other people's intereses and affinities)

I do not need them for fucking because as much as sex is fun social activity, one can give more pleasure to oneself  alone

I do not need them for company because I know how to be alone and that is not unpleasant to me

I do not need them to formalize relationships because to cave under peer pressure once was enough - and they can bite me now

Luckily I do not need them for raising my life standard either (and I am very happy and grateful because of this)


All things considered, the only reason I would engage in a relationship is because I'm madly romantic. I unbeliavably like the thought of a partnership with a person that is aware of, and can handle the fact, that my thoughts are my own (and his coversly).  I like the idea of existing through time with a person while acummulating knowledge about each others' lives what in time makes for communication void of excess reiterations. Partner for experiments and partner in experiments. One that has his own intrests and we share the resolve to be pleasurable PARTNERS.

That seems like an ok plan to me. To hope to find someone like that."

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I thought about those words, my words, a lot lately - many times engaged in my evening workout as pictured in photo above - and it reaffirmed my oppinion this is a worthy goal. I will search high and low, through time and space, under rocks I already turned over and through landscapes (peoplescapes?) I am yet to come to.

And we'll go to PaxEast for our honeymoon.

Because "There is only one greatness in life: seeing the world as it is and loving it." and that is home.

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This is tenth post in the series "What is home?". Read posts one, two,  three, four, five, six, seven, eight and nine below.